Grief and New Year's Resolutions

It’s almost New Year’s Eve. Many of us use this time to look back at the past year and forward to the next. For those grieving, we can look for memories and stories of love and relationship. We can think about finding ways to stay connected to our deceased loved ones while moving on in the new year. Traditionally New Years is the time to make resolutions, to make changes in our lifestyle and to reach new goals. This year, think about resolutions of working through grief. Be sure to include self-care and finding support.

Please know that we continue to be here with comfort, hope, and healing.

Best wishes.

Grief and the holidays

I recently appeared on the news discussing tips to get through the holidays when you are grieving the death of a loved one.

http://www.wkyc.com/life/programming/shows/goodcompany/gc_article.aspx?storyid=165618&catid=267

What songs of grief are on your teen's iPod?

When death impacts the life of your teen, it is often overwhelming and difficult to know how to help, particularly if you are grieving the loss yourself. Parents often feel the desire to protect and shield their children from the pain, sadness and tragedy of death. Unfortunately, avoiding grief will not avoid heartache. Dismissing death and failing to acknowledge grief reactions can increase feelings of isolation and discourage teens from seeking support.

Many grieving adolescents feel as if no one else can understand their feelings or situation. Grieving adolescents may isolate themselves, hold their feelings inside and pretend everything is fine. Click here to read more.

Memory Wreaths - Coping with grief during the holidays

Last week folks grieving the death of a loved one gathered at one of our Memory Wreath Healing Arts Workshops. They decorated a grapevine wreath, symbolizing unbroken life and love, with personal and seasonal symbols, as well as wishes, memories and prayers.

The participants remarked about how the evening was helpful, relaxing and enjoyable. They were able to give and receive comfort and support , build a lasting memory in honor of their loved one and build their own self-esteem.

Please join us this winter for more Healing Arts Workshops.

Grief: Coping with the holiday

For the past 10 years I have been writing an annual column on coping with the holidays. Each year I get asked, “How will I ever get through the holidays?” For so many bereaved, this will be the first holiday season without their deceased love one. The first year is difficult. The second and third year can be pretty tough, too.

The first year, things may seem surreal. Perhaps you decided to take a vacation or have dinner at your Auntie’s home. You may still be in a fog. Then the second or third holiday season comes around and reality sets in. Your deceased love one will not be present. If you always had Christmas dinner at mom’s or potato latkes at Aunt Marsha’s. Click here to read more.

Cuyahoga Arts & Culture ...project support grant

Spirit Doll

Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, OH has recently been awarded a Cuyahoga Arts & Culture Project Support grant of $11,274. This grant funding will support the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center’s Healing Arts and Fabric & Feelings programs offered in Cuyahoga County throughout 2011. Like all bereavement center programs, Healing Arts workshops and Fabric & Feelings groups are offered to any member of the community who has experienced a loss due to death.

Visual Stories...

The act of using art to fulfill a basic human need can be powerful and transformative, and the experience can benefit both the individual and the community. Art therapy programs foster a sense of community and offer the bereaved an opportunity to identify and express feelings of grief, develop coping strategies and remember and honor their deceased loved one. Creating art can foster a renewed sense of confidence and purpose, and our bereavement programs help to make the arts accessible to a broad segment of the population.

Landscapes of the heart

The bereavement center of Hospice of the Western Reserve is proud to be among the 130 local non-profit organizations selected for Cuyahoga Arts & Culture funding in 2011.

Click here for times and locations of upcoming events.

In the midst of grief, can you feel thankful?

I do a lot of teaching and have one slide in my PowerPoint presentation that lists thankfulness as a symptom of grief and loss. When I open it up to the audience they usually comment that perhaps the bereaved is thankful that their loved one is no longer in pain or is no longer suffering. And that may be very true, but there is more.

A few years ago I heard Ted Bowman speak on Thankfulness for Grief and Grieving: Exploring Paradoxes. Mr. Bowman linked thankfulness and grieving, not by minimizing the pain and suffering that is experienced during grief, but by encouraging grievers to pay attention to thankfulness in the midst of grieving. Click here to read more.

Creating a legacy through Ethical Wills

When a person dies…it’s as though a library burned down.
-----African proverb

Arlene Harris created her first quilt for her parent’s 57th wedding anniversary. Little did she know it would be their last. Her mother died a few months later. Her dad moved in with her sister and after a month, asked that the quilt be hung in the living where he could share his memories with family and friends. A couple of years ago, Arlene’s dad died and now the quilt hangs in Arlene’s home. Each time she looks at it, it brings back “incredible memories.” It has become a legacy that will be passed on to future generations.

Each November, the hospice community works to raise awareness about hospice and palliative care during National Hospice and Palliative Care Month.

One service hospice offers is helping patients and families develop and create legacy work. Sometimes called life closure or an ethical will, legacy work is a collection of personal values and family history that can be passed on to loved ones. Some see it as a way to learn about one’s self, reflect on life and to affirm the importance of others in their life.

Click here to read more.

Grief; When somone you know completes suicide

I frequently get calls from individuals who know someone who had a family member or friend complete suicide. They are not sure what to say or what to do as there is still stigma related to suicide in today’s society.

People attempt suicide when their emotional and psychological pain becomes unbearable. They are unable to see that there are other options. They may feel completely isolated and cannot think of anyone to turn to for help even when they have good supports in their lives. People who attempt suicide are not “crazy.” Many people who complete suicide are acutely distressed or clinically depressed.

Grief following a suicide is intense and prolonged. Suicide is a traumatic loss. It is sudden, unexpected and frequently violent. People do not “get over it.” With support and understanding, the bereaved can learn to manage their grief and maintain a relationship with the deceased.
Click here to read more.

The Gifts You Gave Me: An Imaging Journal

A new Healing Arts Workshop is being offered this fall. Grieving individuals will create a journal memorializing their loved ones and the gifts they received from them. The group will meet for four weeks and each week will focus on specific components, such as monoprinting, blind contour drawing, use of negative/positive space and watercolor. Personal photographs and mementos may also be incorporated into the journal.

Please consider joining us for this innovate program.

Click here for more details.

It was only a pet

The love relationship between pets and their owners take on many qualities – companionship, comfort, security and love. When a pet dies, these aspects of the relationship are lost and the grief can be intense. Yet society often disenfranchises pet loss with cliché’s and unhelpful comments such as "you can always get another one".

The death of a pet can be very significant especially when you look at the nature of the pet/owner attachment. Some children lay claim to the family pet – they feed, clean up after, and play tirelessly with the beloved animal. The death of a pet is often a child’s first major loss. Isolated older adults often have significant relationships with their pets and the death of a pet can trigger grief reactions from other losses. Many hospice patients worry about what will happen to their pet when they die and only find peace once their pet has been placed in a home. Indeed, pets have become family members.

Click here to read more

El Dia de los Muertos (The Day of the Dead)

The Day of the Dead of Dia de los Muertos is a holiday celebrated in Mexico and the United States. The holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to honor those that have died. Traditonally, families build private altars honoring the deceased. They decorate the altars with sugar skulls, marigolds and favorite foods of the deceased.

This year the bereavement center will again host two healing arts workshops to celebrate the Day of the Dead. Participants will decorate a small skull (as a representation of the traditional sugar skulls) with colors and symbols that depict the personalities of the departed loved ones. The completed skulls will be placed on and around a traditionally decorated altar. A small celebration will follow where participants will be given the opportunity to share beloved memories and stories of their departed loved ones. No art experience is necessary.

Please join us.

A private grief

Sarah’s lover dies, yet she cannot go to the funeral because her lover’s wife and children are present. Sarah also has children by this man, but their relationship has been hidden for many years.

Grief is commonly disenfranchised in today’s community. Disenfranchised grief is a phrase developed by Kenneth Doka (2002) to describe grief that is not publicly acknowledged or socially sanctioned. Disenfranchised grief can occur when there have been extramarital relationships or co– habitation.

Recent news reports of the men trapped in a Chilean mine revealed women arriving at the camp to find that their partners had a wife and children that they were not aware of. One report said that a miner had a first wife whom he never divorced, a live-in partner who is a mother of a child he had several years ago as well as a woman who claims to be his current girlfriend. You may know others who have had this happen to them or a loved one. Click here to read more.

Grief support in the schools

Mid-September finds our school services program moving forward at a face past. Listed below are some highlights.

Grief impacts an entire social network. This includes families, friends, colleagues, communities and schools. Many schools recognize the value of nurturing acceptance of a school-related loss and work to provide a supportive environment for student and staff process and memorializing. Click here to read our bereavment newsletter for schools.

Children grieving the loss of somone special need extra support. Elementary school-aged childrne respond well to specific, developmentally appropriate, grief interventions. Art, music, bibiliotherapy will be highlighted in this years NEOEA Day workshop: Someone Special Died: Helping the Elementary School-Aged Child.

We are in the planning stages with several schools to offer our 8-10 week S.T.A.R.S. grief support group.

If you you like more information on our school program or any of our programs, please contact us.

Grief: How do you heal if multiple deaths occur over a short time period?

A friend experienced the death of her son-in-law, and then a week later her mother-in-law died. A month later, her Dad died. My heart goes out to her and her family.

Her grief needed and still needs to be validated and normalized. Grieving for one person and then experiencing additional deaths during that initial grief period can hamper the healing process. In addition, each subsequent death can spark previous grief reactions. The roller coaster of emotions can move at a fast and furious pace.


We have learned from working with older adults who frequently experience multiple deaths in the course of a year that it is often helpful to compartmentalize the deaths. You may not know which person to grieve for first. You may you feel guilt over missing one person more than another. Take the time to grieve each death. Each person that died was a unique person and your relationship with that person had its own distinctive qualities. To read more ...

Grief and Loss and the high holy days…..

While much is written about grieving during Thanksgiving and the many December holidays, not much attention has been given to the difficulty coping during the Jewish high holy season.

Happy New Year. May you be inscribed in the book of life….

This sentiment is expressed by many well intentioned individuals throughout the Jewish High Holy days. However, if you have recently experienced the death of a loved one, these greetings may be difficult to hear. Family members gather to celebrate with traditional foods. Communities come together to worship. These can act as a trigger for the newly bereaved. As families dip apples in honey to ensure a sweet new year, the grieving individual may be wondering if life will ever be sweet again. If you are caring for a loved one with a terminal illness or have just buried your loved one, the holidays can bring sadness and loneliness. People who grieve may in fact, dread this time of year because they don’t feel happy. They may want to skip the holidays altogether.

There are many significant days for the bereaved throughout the year – birthdays, anniversaries, secular holidays and the religious holidays. The new year’s services elucidate the fragility of life with many life and death themes. While some find solace and comfort in the synagogue through singing, meditation and reading sacred poems, others may feel it is just too much. These themes can be a trigger and everyone reacts differently. There is no right or wrong away to celebrate after a loved one has died.

People who are grieving often do not have the emotional or physical energy to celebrate the holidays as have they done in the past. Communicate with family and friends. Let others know when you are not up to attending a gathering.

Think about including the deceased in your holiday. You may want to honor your loved one by sharing stories, reminiscing about past holidays, toasting your loved one’s memory or doing a kind deed as a tribute.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. Honor your time to grieve.

Grief hurts when your child ISN'T returning to school

Summer is nearly over and children are preparing to return to school. It’s time to buy new clothes, new shoes, and school supplies. Older children are getting ready to or have already moved into dorms or apartments and are settling into college life. For some, this is a very exciting time of the year.

However, if you are a parent or guardian whose child has died, these months can be very trying. You don’t need to buy your child clothes or shoes or school supplies. You aren’t moving your child into a dormitory. Your heart aches with longing for your deceased loved one.

You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster. You may have thought you were doing better and then seeing the school bus sets off waves of tears. This is normal. This is grief. It hurts.

It might be helpful to reach out to friends and family and let them know that is a rough time for you. A professional counselor or spiritual advisor may be the person to help you through this time.

Please know that we are here with comfort, hope and healing.

Grief Camps

To provide access to grieving children throughout Northern Ohio, the bereavement center hosted 3 bereavement camps this summer.

Last week at Red Oak Camp in Kirtland, Ohio, the 12th annual Together We Can bereavement day camp was a great success. Forty-five children gathered to spend three days sharing laughter and tears, honoring loved ones, and learning ways to express feelings and cope with their grief. Most importantly, they had a great time and met others who have also experienced the death of a loved one.

Camp Healing Hearts (photo) was held in June and hosted 16 children at Common Ground in Oberlin, Ohio.

Thousand Trails Campground in Ashtabula hosted Bridges to Hope, a two day camp for twenty children.

We would like to thank the many paid and unpaid staff who committed their time, energy and talents to make these events great, as well as the generous foundations and numerous individuals who contributed funds to make these camps possible.

Message in a Bottle

Last week I came across this lovely story.

Family members wrote messages to their deceased loved one – a soldier who had died in Afghanistan - and placed them in an empty bottle. They tossed the bottle into the Caribbean and it landed several months in the Gulf of Mexico. Workers cleaning up the oil spill spotted the bottle and revealed its contents. The letters touched the heart of the workers who connected with the family.

When someone dies suddenly, we often hear the bereaved comment I never got to tell him/her…. In addition to deep sadness, the bereaved may feel regret, anger, guilt and a multitude of other emotions. According to W. Worden, one task of grief is to find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of moving on with life. Sending a message in a bottle is a way of doing this. Writing letters, visiting the cemetery, having conversations with the deceased can all bring comfort.

What ways have you found to remember your deceased loved one and keep them with you as you go on with life? We welcome your stories.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the form of grief that occurs when one is confronted with a chronic or life threatening illness or when one anticipates the death of a loved one (or oneself).

It is the emotional pain associated with loss before death. Anticipating the loss, knowing what is coming, can be just as painful as losing the life. It does not substitute, or necessarily lessen, the post-death process. It is not post-death grief pushed ahead in time.

Anticipatory grief is common with caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s disease and other terminal illnesses. It can occur more than once. For example, when your loved one has a period of decline, you’ll experience loss. These feelings may stabilize as you loved one stabilizes. With another setback or decline, feelings of grief and loss can return. This can happen over and over again.

Anticipatory grief is not limited to future losses, but it also includes past and present losses.

Past – the past that was had/shared and can never be regained.

Present – the losses that occur and are experienced as a decline in or out right end of capabilities, the ongoing experience of things slowly getting worse.

Future – the losses of the anticipated progression of the illness and such related losses as loneliness and events that will not be shared.

Although there is no easy way to prepare or move through anticipatory grief, there are benefits. It is a time for families to reminisce, do life review, contemplate, and reconcile. It can be time for life closure and a time to clear unresolved issues. Depending on the cognitive functioning, it can also provide the occasion to formulate a legacy by creating an ethical will.

What can help…
· Hospice and palliative care team
· Support groups
· On-line support
· Professional help
· Journals
· Express feelings

Supporting the grieving adolescent

Understanding adolescents can be a challenge and supporting grieving adolescents can be difficult. The feelings of grief may be intense and changeable. A grieving adolescent may be fearful of these feelings. It is common for a grieving adolescent to experience a certain amount of decreased ability to motivate themselves or concentrate for long periods of time. This can make school work challenging. Many grieving adolescents feel as if no one else can understand their feelings or situation. Grieving adolescents may isolate themselves, hold their feelings inside and pretend everything is fine. Some grieving adolescents may feel overwhelmed and unsupported and turn to negative behaviors as a way to cope with the pain they are experiencing. Thoughts of suicide, use of alcohol or drugs, and increased sexual activity are indicators of a problem adjusting to the death of their loved one.


There are many ways adults can support grieving adolescents. Grieving adolescents need the opportunity to share their story of grief. Find opportunities that allow adolescent to share. The more they keep their feelings inside, the harder it becomes to express them. Unexpressed feelings fester within our bodies and can lead to greater problems. Writing gives our grief words. Putting thoughts and feelings in journals, letters to the person who has died, poems, and stories gives the grieving adolescent an avenue to express feelings.


Music plays an important role in the lives of adolescents. Communicating through music can enhance our understanding of grieving adolescents. Certain songs elicit feelings, thoughts and memories related to the person who has died. Music can help adolescents share what they are experiencing with someone else and break through the defenses of grief. Adolescents may want to write original music in tribute to the person who has died or select music that reminds them of their loved one and discuss these lyrics.


Art provides another creative outlet for grieving adolescent to create a visual image of their feelings and their story of grief. They may want to create a legacy such as a quilt or a memory box. These visual images can open communication and provide a healthy grieving process.


Although it may be difficult to support grieving adolescents, accompanying them on their journey of grief is a life changing experience.

Caregiving and Grief

Here is a moving article by one of the bereavement center's grief counselors.

The Loneliness of the Longtime Caregiver
Carol Dikovitsky, SND, PCC, ATR-BC

Dorothy was glad that her parents had lived such long lives. They had supported her through the most memorable and difficult times of her life. They celebrated her achievements and helped to raise her children after her divorce. But now her parents were in their nineties, experiencing physical and mental health issues. Part of the problem was that they didn’t recognize ANY problem with continuing to live in their two-story home. THEY didn’t see the dust and clutter invading a previously immaculate house. THEY didn’t mind eating TV dinners nightly because her mother was no longer up to cooking. THEY didn’t worry about the possibility of falls and broken bones. An only child, Dorothy faced her parents’ increasing need for help with dismay. She still had a full time job. How could she provide help?

Dorothy talked with her parents about moving to a senior assisted living complex. Her mother was open to this; her father refused. “I’m going to die in this house,” he said. Next, she convinced them to hire a woman living on the same street to help with meal preparation, laundry, medications, etc. On the first day, after discussing menus and supplies, Dorothy left to buy groceries. While she was gone, her parents fired the caregiver. “Meals on Wheels” met a similar fate. So Dorothy became a part-time caregiver. She gave up many things in her own life. She could no longer see friends or make plans without considering her parents’ needs. She made sure they had food, clean clothing, a relatively neat house and took medications appropriately. She saw that their bills were paid. It was difficult to juggle her home life, her job and her parents’ increasing needs, but she did it. Her parents had done the same thing for her when she young.

Eventually, both parents declined to the point where they needed nursing care. Dorothy’s father fell, broke his hip and never recovered from his injury. Her mother’s dementia progressed - she could no longer argue against residential care. Dorothy managed these crises and continued to deal with finances and other needs.

When her parents died, Dorothy was chagrined to note that her primary emotion was relief. “Maybe when I’m not so exhausted I’ll be able to grieve,” she thought. However, after speaking with a grief counselor, Dorothy realized that she had been grieving all through the years of her parents’ long decline. The people who had loved and supported her, who were wise and humorous, had been disappearing for years. The worst part had been watching THEM realize that they were declining. When Dorothy accepted this, she was able to understand her feeling of relief. She missed her parents—she really did—but she had been missing them for a long time.

Dorothy didn’t know what to do with all her free time. She felt rootless and lacked a sense of purpose for each day. It took a while to rebuild her life, to call up friends or make spontaneous plans, to visit grandchildren or to travel. Eventually she began to volunteer for a cause she believed in, and her life took on a new rhythm of work, enjoyment, and purpose.

There are many “Dorothys” who are grieving the slow dying of elderly parents. If you are or have been a “Dorothy,” don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Many people find support groups focused on the death of parents to be helpful. One-on-one grief counseling may be appropriate as well.

Please contact us at thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org or call us at 216-486-6838. We will be happy to suggest helpful resources.

Grief and Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities

Here is an informative piece written by our grief counselor, Robert Ballantine, MSW, DCC, D.MIN.,LISW.

The impact of grief is very real for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Unfortunately, not much attention has been given to the bereavement needs of these individuals or other people with special needs. Knowledge about ways to assist them is limited and written resources are few. In fact, the question has even arisen: does an individual with intellectual and developmental disabilities understand the meaning of death? Depending on the level of cognitive functioning, they may or may not understand the concept of death, especially its permanency, but they have a good understanding of loss and how it makes them feel. Most of these individuals have experienced losses throughout their entire life.

Difficulties may arise after a death when the individual starts feeling the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual impact of grief. Grief reactions may include behaviors such as: being overly tired, increased irritability, wanting to be alone, excessive crying, impatience, becoming angry easily, difficulty with house mates, being more aggressive and repeatedly asking the same questions. Depending on their cognitive and verbal abilities, they may not be able to say what is bothering them. Staff and family may often misinterpret the reason for the changes in behavior. They may assume the bereaved is being lazy, difficult or stubborn. The fact is that individuals with mental retardation have the same types of reaction to a death as those who do not have any disability.

Assisting these individuals can be challenging. Deciphering how and what they are communicating can be very difficult. Their responses cannot always be taken at face value. For instance, many individuals will answer all questions with a positive response. Time frames may be difficult to interpret. You may even notice the person having a conversation with the deceased. The death may trigger other losses. For example, if the individual has been living at home and the caregiver dies, he or she may have to be placed in a group home.

It is important to allow the individual to attend the funeral and/or visitation (even if special arrangements need to be made), to participate in rituals if possible, and to visit the cemetery. As with those of us who function normally, their grief journey also needs this kind of closure and support.


For persons with intellectual or developmentally disabilities, the grief journey may be different but the road is the same. Support and understanding is just as important in assisting them to successfully move through their journey as it is for everyone else.

Grieving your loved one on the Fourth of July

Independence Day, commonly know as the Fourth of July, is right around the corner. Communities celebrate with fireworks, parades, concerts, carnivals and fairs. Families celebrate with picnics, barbeques, and baseball games. Politicians look for a format for speeches and ceremonies. And there are many other public and privates events celebrating the history, government and traditions of the United Sates.

But what if your loved one isn’t around this year? What if your deceased husband was the one to raise the flag in front of your home? Or if you deceased loved one died in Iraq or Afghanistan? You may n0t feel much like celebrating.

Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can often trigger our grief reactions. Consider these tips for helping you cope this holiday weekend.

• Create a photo collage. Sort through old holiday photos to create a collage that highlight these memories.
• Light a candle that you have specially selected to represent your loved one. The lighting of this candle will provide a symbol of their presence.
• Have your loved one’s favorite meal for your holiday picnic or barbeque.
• Have a toast in their memory and then allow each person to share a memory about what made this person so special.
• Sing or listen to their favorite patriotic song.
• Donate to a favorite charity. The selfless act of giving to others might be just the thing you need.
• Write a letter to your loved one. Share how you feel, how it’s different and how it’s the same.

You will very likely have other ideas that you can incorporate into your weekend plans. Remember, you are not alone. Take care of yourself and reach out for help as needed.

Weaving the Memories

The bereavement center is working with Hospice of the Western Reserve’s Peaceful and Proud committee to offer a Healing Arts Workshop for those grieving the death of a veteran and for veterans experiencing grief.

In this workshop, we will honor the deceased veterans we love. Participants will write memories or prayers on ribbons to create a fabric of love and connection. This will become a lasting memory and tribute to their loved one

While we have done many programs through our veteran’s committee, including education and training as well as pinning ceremonies, this is the first Healing Arts Workshops designed especially for this group.

We hope you will attend. To register call 216-486-6838 or email us at the bereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

Should community summer day camps provide grief and loss education?

Summer is here and many parents working outside the home struggle with finding appropriate care for their children. Should they use day care, a camp associated with day care, a community rec center or a series of specialty camps? What about all the logistics involved – car pooling, forms to complete, worry after worry. Now add grief into the equation. It’s hard enough managing the summer without the addition of the big feelings of grief. This is true for both parents and children.

While there are many grief camps in the community (and we offer several), the bereavement center wonders what the reaction would be if concepts of grief and loss were introduced to kids at a community focused day camp. Scavenger hunts where the campers search for items that are dead and alive, activities that focus on big feelings (art or physical activities), and games that focus on working together and asking for help could be offered. These are aspects of grief and loss that would be helpful to all children.

We welcome your thoughts on this topic.

There is limited space available for our Together We Can grief camp. For more information, contact us as thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

Memorial Day – Remembering what it is all about

Memorial Day weekend is right around the corner. Friends and family may be making plans for picnics. Gardeners try to get all their plants in the ground. Children look forward to the pools being opened and the unofficial start of summer. But what is Memorial Day really about?

Memorial Day was originally called “Decoration Day.” It was started in 1868 by General John A. Logan for the purpose of decorating the graves of Civil War veterans. Within twenty years, it was changed to Memorial Day in which all war dead are commemorated. It became a federal holiday in 1971 and moved from May 30th to the last Monday in May. Often we do not observe the day as we should -- a day where we actively remember our ancestors, family members, loved ones, neighbors, and friends who have given the ultimate sacrifice.

Here is an exception: Since the late 50's on the Thursday before Memorial Day, the 1,200 soldiers of the 3rd U.S. Infantry place small American flags at each of the more than 260,000 gravestones at Arlington National Cemetery. They patrol 24 hours a day during the weekend to ensure that each flag remains standing.

In addition, the “National Moment of Remembrance” resolution was passed in Dec 2000 to help re-educate and remind us of the true meaning of Memorial Day. It asks that at 3 p.m. local time, all Americans to voluntarily and informally observe in their own way a moment of remembrance and respect, pausing from whatever they doing for a moment of silence and listen to Taps.

Here are more ways we can honor our loved ones, our ancestors, our friends who died in conflicts and wars:

• visit cemeteries and place flags or flowers on the graves of our fallen heroes
• visit memorials
• fly the U.S. Flag at half-staff until noon
• fly the POW/MIA Flag
• participate in the National Moment of Remembrance at 3 p.m.

Facebook: Grief and Loss

Technology has afforded us a wonderful way to stay connected as a community. Facebook not only brings together long-lost friends, but also provides an effective outlet for grief. Facebook hosts many memorialized accounts of deceased users. Friends and families can continue to post photos and comments on these accounts. Facebook will respect a family’s wishes to take down the deceased user’s profile or keep it in a “memorial state.” The “memorial state” disables certain features like status updates and allows only confirmed friends to access the profile.

Members who are grieving a death often use their own profile to announce the death and funeral arrangements. Many individuals post messages, videos and photos about their deceased loved one. They can also create new groups or pages devoted to the deceased or causes associated with them. Members continue to comment on their loss and talk about how much they miss their loved one. Friends comment back and show their support.

In addition, there are also many websites and blogs, such as this, that can support the bereaved through the pain of grief.

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center is a program of Hospice of the Western Reserve. Hospice of the Western Reserve recently joined Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Please follow us on these sites.

Yoga Matters

Why is it important to take time to practice yoga during a period of extreme stress?

When a person is responsible for the care of a loved one during sickness, or is coping with the death of a loved one, it may seem too hard to try to do one more thing. But practicing yoga is not just another "should." It is a gift to yourself, a time of quiet designed to leave you with a sense of peace. The following are some ways yoga practice can help you take care of yourself.

Breath work is paying attention to how we breathe. When we do this, we become more sensitive; life energy flows naturally and fully through the body and clears the mind. This helps us to become focused and able to concentrate. Some breath practices help to release anxiety or depression, while others re-energize.

Postures help with the letting go of stress so healing can occur from deep within. The postures promote strength and flexibility, especially for the back. The nervous system responds to this, bringing a sense of calm and release. Through improved circulation and breath, all body processes, including the heart, lungs and digestive system, become healthier. Vitality improves. As the body begins to function with more ease, the "dis-ease" we experience decreases.

Deep relaxation is probably the most restorative aspect of yoga practice for most people. Learning to relax is a necessary skill for those dealing with the stress of taking care of a loved one who is ill, as well as for those trying to readjust to life after a loved one has died. It is a practice that teaches us how to let go and to be present within ourselves.

Please consider joining our weekly yoga group, Wednesdays at 5:30 p.m.
For more information, email us at thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

http://www.hospicewr.org/media/documents/programs/FLYER%20YOGA.pdf

Grieving Children - a one day camp

Camp Healing Hearts is one-day event for children ages 6 though 14 who have experienced the death of a love one. Led by trained professionals experienced in working with children who are grieving, this day will offer adventure challenge activities, art therapy, a drum circle and time for sharing. Bereavement camps help normalize and validate the grief response in a safe, supportive and fun environment. Children realize that they are not alone.

Saturday, June 12, 2010
9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. (registration at 8:45 a.m.)
Lunch is provided

Common Ground
14240 Baird Road, Oberlin, OH

To receive registration materials, contact Felicia at (216)486-6335 or
Thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org

Co-sponsored by the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center and Common Ground: The Nord Center for Renewal

Journaling Grief

One way to work through grief is a personal journal. The purpose of journal writing is to attend to our grief by expressing the feelings we keep inside. Our journal may house our innermost thoughts and provide a healthy release from these emotions. It provides a safe place to express ourselves. It acts as a reflector of what we are experiencing, and can give us the stimulation and support which many of us seek from other people.


You can make your own journal or purchase one. There are several geared specifically for the grieving person. In addition to your feelings, you may want to include drawings or clips from magazines, helpful or inspirational quotes or anything else that has meaning for you.

Here are some phrases to help you get started…

I feel.....
I forgot to tell you.....
You taught me.....
You would be proud to know that I.....
I can hear you say.....
I remember.....
I am grateful for.....
I will get through the day by.....
I get support from.....
It helps me to .....

Remember, it is your unique journal. You bring to it who you are.

Supporting Grieving Adolescents with Expressive Interventions

In partnership with Lakewood Hospital, a Cleveland Clinic hospital, we are offering a workshop that will address the unique aspects of adolescent grief and offer expressive therapy strategies that support managing loss in this sometimes difficult population.

Wednesday, April 28th, 9:15 - 11:15 at the Lakewood Library.

Contact us for more information at thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

Objectives:

• explain unique concepts concerning adolescent grief


• list three examples of music therapy's effectiveness in managing grief and loss


• describe three art interventions that can be used to support grieving adolescents


• demonstrate journaling as a grief support intervention

Sesame Street: When Families Grieve

Sesame Street’s When Families Grieve premiered last night on PBS. Four families shared their stories about the death of their parent/spouse. Katie Couric did a fine job interacting with Elmo and his cousin as well as the families. This show tackled a growing issue families are facing. So many parents have gone overseas to Iraq and Afghanistan leaving behind the uncertainty of losing a parent. Here in the United States, millions of children lose a parent to death every year. This show demonstrated that talking about grief does really help. Resources are available on line for parents and children, as well as teens, and for those who work with the bereaved.

http://www.sesameworkshop.org/grief

Grieving the Mining Disaster

Our heartfelt condolences go out to the family and friends of the known miners who tragically lost their lives in a huge underground explosion blamed on methane gas in West Virginia. Twenty-five coal miners in the worst U.S. mining disaster in more than two decades have died. Four others are still missing and their chances of survival are dim. Each family’s story is heartbreaking and we hope they find strength and support in the days ahead.

If you are grieving a sudden, traumatic death, please know that you are not alone. It is important to understand that a sudden death falls outside our usual experience, what we expect life to be like. Abruptly losing a special person can shatter our sense of well-being. We may experience very strong reactions that could include fear, helplessness, shock, anger, and, sometimes, horror. These reactions are normal responses to an extremely difficult time in our lives. These trauma reactions mix with our grief, and the results can be overwhelming.

Things that Help

The signs and symptoms of a stress reaction may last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or longer, depending on the severity of the traumatic death. The understanding and support of family and friends can help the stress reactions pass more quickly. There are a number of things that can help during this very difficult time.

· Maintain as normal a schedule as possible (as impossible as it seems); structure your time
· Follow the basics for good health (even when you don’t feel like it) – rest, eat well, exercise
· Reduce other stressors as much as possible – make to do lists, be patient with yourself when you can’t find your keys, limit distractions that might interfere with concentration
· Be aware of numbing the pain with overuse of drugs or alcohol; go easy on caffeine
· Talk to people – reach out, spend time with others
· Do things that feel good to you – take a walk, listen to music, keep a feelings journal, etc.
· Give yourself permission to feel the pain and share these feelings with others
· Don't feel the need to fight reoccurring thoughts, dreams or flashbacks; they are normal and will decrease overtime and become less painful

April is Autism Awareness Month

Many parents report grieving when their child is diagnosed with autism. They grieve the loss of the child of their dreams. As parents come to accept where their child is actually at and who he or she really is, they become able to dream new dreams for them and for their families. These new dreams are reality based and therefore are more likely to be attainable.

Jim Sinclair wrote an article Don't Mourn For Us which was published in "Our Voice," the newsletter of Autism Network International, Vol 1, number 3, 1993. It is written to parents from the autistic child's perspective. http://www.grasp.org/media/mourn.pdf. I found it very interesting and insightful and I think you will too.

Please take the time to learn as much as you can about autism.

Healing Arts Grief Workshop; Mosaics

Please join us for a healing arts workshop where we will be using old dishes, mirrors, or tiles to create a mosaic box or tray. Grief is often transformational and the process of mosaics parallels grief work. Something that has been broken can be healed and something beautiful can be created. Follow the link below for location and time.

http://www.hospicewr.org/media/MOSAIC-20101.pdf

Spring Training

It’s unfortunate that there is no "spring training" for griefwork, but we can start off the season with a feeling of renewal and some plans and goals.

Baseball experts make the following points. Successful spring training incorporates all of the necessary elements of a game so that the players can maximize their performance as soon as the season begins and be able to sustain peak physical condition throughout the season. What are some elements of griefwork? How can we maximize our performance? Fitness components vary from player to player, their role on the team, the demands of the game and their current fitness level.

Each one of us grieves in our own unique way, and our roles in life vary. How can we know in advance what demands others will place on us or what self-expectations we have? How can we get in shape to grieve knowing that the season can be long and arduous?

Even though we may anticipate the death of a loved one and perhaps have watched our beloved’s slow decline, we still feel a deep sadness when he or she dies. If the death is sudden, we may feel shock as well. Acknowledging and accepting the death are first steps; feeling the pain of grief follows. It’s hard to prepare for this, but once it’s upon us we can take some steps along the journey. The right amount of sleep, good nutrition, self care, and exercise -- these are all elements of griefwork. Telling stories and reaching out to others is also part of the process. Adjusting to new roles and responsibilities may be scary, exciting or frustrating. Every one of us has our own path and our own schedule. In time we will be able to find an enduring connection with our loved one.

Think about setting some simple goals this spring season. Can you incorporate light exercise into your routine? Can you find someone to share your stories and feelings? Grief is hard work day in and day out, but the results of this hard work can bring healing and comfort.

We are here with support this spring season,

Skating through grief

Joannie Rochette, bronze medalist in the 2010 Winter Olympics for Canada skated through her grief. Two days before the short program, Rochette's mother died suddenly of a heart attack, just hours after arriving in Vancouver to watch her daughter skate. Rochette chose to continue competing in her mother's honor. In the Olympic short program, Rochette recorded a personal best, the third highest score of the night. Two days later, she held on to her third place position after the long program and won the bronze medal.

Is this normal? Did she do the right thing? How is one able to put aside feelings of grief and go on with the show? This is not the typical or expected grief reaction. It did show enormous inner strength. Rochette was able to compartmentalize her grief and perform. Rochette is an incredibly disciplined athlete and she was able to concentrate and remain focused. She performed well and then chose to skate again in the gala to honor her mother.

Do not expect yourself to grieve in this fashion. Rochette set the bar high. Grief is hard work. Everyday, the bereaved return to jobs or school and put aside their grief. Grief is put on hold or put into a container, if you will. Putting aside the heartache in its own “space” can enable you to direct your focus and deal with the work in front of you. At the end of the day, you’ll find grief as your companion, which you may or may not welcome.

Chilean Earthquake

The bereavement center's heart goes out to the victims, the families and everyone affected by the earthquake in Chile. International aid groups are bringing medical supplies and attention, food and communication tools to the millions of folks who have been displaced from the their homes or injured. If you are able, consider donating to a reputable organization such as Red Cross or Doctor's Without Borders.

Financial Side of Grief and Loss

During the turmoil of grief, you may find yourself faced with having to make financial and legal decisions. While it may not seem fair, these affairs still need attention. The bereaved often ask us for help and assistance as they don’t know where to turn. Here are some tips:

Financial tasks that need to occur after a death are:

• Securing benefits
• Paying taxes
• Changing ownership or title

Find these important documents:

• Multiple copies of the death certificate
• All insurance policies
• Social Security numbers
• Military discharge papers
• Marriage certificates
• Deceased’s will or estate plan
• List of assets
• Deceased’s most recent income tax return

Other people can assist you. Seek counsel from:

• Benefits administrator from your loved ones’ job
• Accountant or lawyer
• Professional financial planner

We know this is a difficult time and financial details may be the last thing you want to think about. Please do not feel rushed to make any decisions and know that there is support and help for you.

Do Support Groups Help?

Support groups help people through the process of coping with grief and loss. The emotional support and social networks can be an effective alternative to relying solely on family and friends. However, many people ask: Is a support group right for me? What's my commitment? Should I pick a six-week series or a monthly group? What will it be like when I go? Who will greet me? What if I don't know anybody? What if I don't have anything to share?

When asked what was helpful, group member's commented:

"I was just able to say how I felt."

"It was a safe place to share."

"The reading material that was handed out."

"Knowing it's okay to grieve."

"Being able to listen to others and realize they had similar feelings."

"Realizing that the various emotions, up or down, were O.K."o share."


The bereavement center offers both weekly and monthly groups. The weekly groups require registration and meet for 6-8 weeks. The monthly groups are open and on-going. All groups are free and open to the community. It's all about personal preference and what works best for you.

We offer a wide variety of groups to meet a wide variety of interest and needs.
For a complete and current listing, please click here for more information.
http://www.hospicewr.org/media/AG_SupportGroups_Spring101.pdf

When Men Grieve

In our society, men are often the forgotten grievers. They are taught as young boys to "be strong" and that "men don't cry". Men are often silent, solitary grievers who immerse themselves in activity.

It is important to realize that, as no two people grieve the same, men and women also experience grief differently. Because of their different responses to grief, men are often misunderstood as expressing their grief in an unhealthy way or not grieving at all.

Thomas Golden, well-known grief counselor and author of Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing states, "While women typically express and share their grief and look to the past, most men won't verbalize their pain and often deny they are sad. They are also more likely to take action, such as setting up a trust fund or creating a memorial. The important thing is that the activity connects you with the pain. If it does, then it's a healing process."

Men often respond to support well when it is centered on an activity. They may be able to process their grief while engaging in a specific pursuit with others rather than trying to talk one on one. The activity facilitates the expression of feelings.

During difficult times in our lives, we develop skills that help us cope and which we draw upon in times of great sorrow. Our culture dictates the acceptable ways men and women are allowed to express their pain. Since our culture continues to view men who cry as taboo, they are raised to express pain differently. This understanding may help men move through their pain and use their special strengths to support them through their time of grief.

Please think about joining our Men's Grief Group which meets the first Wednesday of the month at 8:30 a.m. in the bereavement center.

Haiti Earthquake - coping with tragedy

The earthquake in Haiti is a public tragedy. With considerable media coverage, it seems as if it happened or could have happened in our own backyard. It is the focus of national attention and mourning. For many Haitians life will never be the same. For some, life does not change and they will resume their lives as the tragedy recedes. For those immediately affected, they must cope with their losses and grief. Their world view may have changed. They may have increased fear and anxiety. They may experience a spiritual crisis. And political turmoil and unrest may be thrown into the mix.

Yet others will attempt to reconstruct a sense of order and rebuild. Some will be very resilient and experience considerable growth. They will go on with a renewed sense of purpose and meaning in their lives and their relationships.

Some of use may find ourselves glued to the TV staring in disbelief at the devastaion. Some of us may use distraction as a way to cope. We need to use the lessons learned from 911 and Katrina. Let us open our hearts and if we can , our pocketbooks to Haiti. It is something concrete we can do. We can send send prayers, money and love, but we should not take on their suffering. It will not help the people of Haiti heal.

2010 - a new year

Winter days in Ohio can feel dark, very cold and gloomy. This can take a toll on our general outlook. For those of us who are grieving, these feelings can be overwhelming.

We may think to ourselves, “I’m not sure where to begin. It seems like nothing will ever get better.” Helping ourselves when we feel overloaded can become a huge task. Here are some ideas that may help you as you work your way through grief.

CARING---Allow yourself to accept expressions of caring from others even though they might be uneasy and awkward. Support groups may be beneficial to you.

GOALS----For a while, it may seem that much of life is without meaning. At times like these, there are two seemingly contradictory rules of thumb: "live one day at a time," and "small goals can help." If you try to plan something to look forward to -- like a movie, going to lunch with a friend or a small trip next month -- it helps you get through the immediate future.

HOPE----You may find comfort and hope from those who have experienced a similar loss. They can describe some things that have helped them. The realization that they have recovered and that time does help, can give you hope that sometime in the future your grief will be less raw and painful.

RELAXATION---REST---EXERCISE----Take care of yourself. You may need extra amounts of things you needed before. Afternoon naps, hot baths, a trip, a “cause” to work for to help others may give you a lift.

SECURITY----Try to reduce or find help for stresses in your life. Allow yourself to be close to those you trust. Getting back into a routine helps. Remember to do things at your own pace.

SMALL PLEASURES----Do not underestimate the healing effects of small pleasures. A walk, reading a book or magazine, preparing a favorite food all are small steps toward regaining your pleasure in life itself.

TIME----Take time to be alone. And, take time to be with others whom you trust and who will listen when you need to talk. Allow time for the feelings that accompany grief and time to understand those feelings.

Remember that we are here with comfort, hope and healing.