Here is a moving article by one of the bereavement center's grief counselors.
The Loneliness of the Longtime Caregiver
Carol Dikovitsky, SND, PCC, ATR-BC
Dorothy was glad that her parents had lived such long lives. They had supported her through the most memorable and difficult times of her life. They celebrated her achievements and helped to raise her children after her divorce. But now her parents were in their nineties, experiencing physical and mental health issues. Part of the problem was that they didn’t recognize ANY problem with continuing to live in their two-story home. THEY didn’t see the dust and clutter invading a previously immaculate house. THEY didn’t mind eating TV dinners nightly because her mother was no longer up to cooking. THEY didn’t worry about the possibility of falls and broken bones. An only child, Dorothy faced her parents’ increasing need for help with dismay. She still had a full time job. How could she provide help?
Dorothy talked with her parents about moving to a senior assisted living complex. Her mother was open to this; her father refused. “I’m going to die in this house,” he said. Next, she convinced them to hire a woman living on the same street to help with meal preparation, laundry, medications, etc. On the first day, after discussing menus and supplies, Dorothy left to buy groceries. While she was gone, her parents fired the caregiver. “Meals on Wheels” met a similar fate. So Dorothy became a part-time caregiver. She gave up many things in her own life. She could no longer see friends or make plans without considering her parents’ needs. She made sure they had food, clean clothing, a relatively neat house and took medications appropriately. She saw that their bills were paid. It was difficult to juggle her home life, her job and her parents’ increasing needs, but she did it. Her parents had done the same thing for her when she young.
Eventually, both parents declined to the point where they needed nursing care. Dorothy’s father fell, broke his hip and never recovered from his injury. Her mother’s dementia progressed - she could no longer argue against residential care. Dorothy managed these crises and continued to deal with finances and other needs.
When her parents died, Dorothy was chagrined to note that her primary emotion was relief. “Maybe when I’m not so exhausted I’ll be able to grieve,” she thought. However, after speaking with a grief counselor, Dorothy realized that she had been grieving all through the years of her parents’ long decline. The people who had loved and supported her, who were wise and humorous, had been disappearing for years. The worst part had been watching THEM realize that they were declining. When Dorothy accepted this, she was able to understand her feeling of relief. She missed her parents—she really did—but she had been missing them for a long time.
Dorothy didn’t know what to do with all her free time. She felt rootless and lacked a sense of purpose for each day. It took a while to rebuild her life, to call up friends or make spontaneous plans, to visit grandchildren or to travel. Eventually she began to volunteer for a cause she believed in, and her life took on a new rhythm of work, enjoyment, and purpose.
There are many “Dorothys” who are grieving the slow dying of elderly parents. If you are or have been a “Dorothy,” don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Many people find support groups focused on the death of parents to be helpful. One-on-one grief counseling may be appropriate as well.
Carol Dikovitsky, SND, PCC, ATR-BC
Dorothy was glad that her parents had lived such long lives. They had supported her through the most memorable and difficult times of her life. They celebrated her achievements and helped to raise her children after her divorce. But now her parents were in their nineties, experiencing physical and mental health issues. Part of the problem was that they didn’t recognize ANY problem with continuing to live in their two-story home. THEY didn’t see the dust and clutter invading a previously immaculate house. THEY didn’t mind eating TV dinners nightly because her mother was no longer up to cooking. THEY didn’t worry about the possibility of falls and broken bones. An only child, Dorothy faced her parents’ increasing need for help with dismay. She still had a full time job. How could she provide help?
Dorothy talked with her parents about moving to a senior assisted living complex. Her mother was open to this; her father refused. “I’m going to die in this house,” he said. Next, she convinced them to hire a woman living on the same street to help with meal preparation, laundry, medications, etc. On the first day, after discussing menus and supplies, Dorothy left to buy groceries. While she was gone, her parents fired the caregiver. “Meals on Wheels” met a similar fate. So Dorothy became a part-time caregiver. She gave up many things in her own life. She could no longer see friends or make plans without considering her parents’ needs. She made sure they had food, clean clothing, a relatively neat house and took medications appropriately. She saw that their bills were paid. It was difficult to juggle her home life, her job and her parents’ increasing needs, but she did it. Her parents had done the same thing for her when she young.
Eventually, both parents declined to the point where they needed nursing care. Dorothy’s father fell, broke his hip and never recovered from his injury. Her mother’s dementia progressed - she could no longer argue against residential care. Dorothy managed these crises and continued to deal with finances and other needs.
When her parents died, Dorothy was chagrined to note that her primary emotion was relief. “Maybe when I’m not so exhausted I’ll be able to grieve,” she thought. However, after speaking with a grief counselor, Dorothy realized that she had been grieving all through the years of her parents’ long decline. The people who had loved and supported her, who were wise and humorous, had been disappearing for years. The worst part had been watching THEM realize that they were declining. When Dorothy accepted this, she was able to understand her feeling of relief. She missed her parents—she really did—but she had been missing them for a long time.
Dorothy didn’t know what to do with all her free time. She felt rootless and lacked a sense of purpose for each day. It took a while to rebuild her life, to call up friends or make spontaneous plans, to visit grandchildren or to travel. Eventually she began to volunteer for a cause she believed in, and her life took on a new rhythm of work, enjoyment, and purpose.
There are many “Dorothys” who are grieving the slow dying of elderly parents. If you are or have been a “Dorothy,” don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Many people find support groups focused on the death of parents to be helpful. One-on-one grief counseling may be appropriate as well.
Please contact us at thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org or call us at 216-486-6838. We will be happy to suggest helpful resources.
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