Grieving Through the Holidays

‘Tis the season! We have come upon the annual blitz of the holiday season. For many, this acts as our internal cue to begin to “get into the holiday spirit.” For many others, this can act as a grief trigger, which can make the holiday season a very difficult time. We may be personally grieving a loss, or we may know of a friend or family member who is grieving at this time. The following are some ways in which we can be supportive to a friend or family member who is grieving through the holidays.

Separate the wants from the shoulds. Encourage the bereaved to separate how he/she would like to celebrate the holiday season from how others feel they should be celebrated.

Plan ahead. Decide how you would like to spend the holidays this year in order to reduce the anxiety of its anticipation. With whom would you like to spend the holidays? Where would you like to hold the holiday dinner?

Support systems. Surround yourself with those who are supportive and understanding of your grief. Avoid those people who will place expectations on your feelings and your grief.

Communicate. Convey your needs with family and friends. Honestly share with them how you would like to spend the holidays this year.

Lower expectations. Encourage the bereaved to lower expectations about actively participating in the holiday season, and allow him/her to feel the pain of grief.

Reduce commitments. Limit the number of social engagements to which you commit. Choose only those that you are comfortable attending, if any. Also understand that your energy level may be very low at this time. Take time to rest.

Start a new tradition. Begin a new tradition within your family. This could be something which honors the deceased, as well as allows for new traditions.

Honor the deceased. Buy a gift for the deceased; visit the cemetery; light a candle in his/her honor; share stories about the deceased; reminisce about past holiday celebrations. Include the deceased in your holiday plans, because the reality is that he/she will probably be on your mind.

Shopping and baking. Allow someone else to do the shopping and baking for you this year, or have a friend share in these activities with you. Utilize catalogs or the internet to do your shopping. This will reduce the commercial blitz often feel when shopping in stores/malls. You can certainly opt to skip the shopping and baking for this year!

Support groups. Many places of worship, hospitals and other organizations offer programs to cope with the holiday season. Think about attending such a group, and allow yourself to feel the support of others who are grieving a loss.

Overall, it is important to remember that we need to be gentle with ourselves during this time. Each one of us will handle the holidays in a different fashion, therefore listen to your inner cues and do what works best for you.