Grief hurts when your child ISN'T returning to school

Summer is nearly over and children are preparing to return to school. It’s time to buy new clothes, new shoes, and school supplies. Older children are getting ready to or have already moved into dorms or apartments and are settling into college life. For some, this is a very exciting time of the year.

However, if you are a parent or guardian whose child has died, these months can be very trying. You don’t need to buy your child clothes or shoes or school supplies. You aren’t moving your child into a dormitory. Your heart aches with longing for your deceased loved one.

You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster. You may have thought you were doing better and then seeing the school bus sets off waves of tears. This is normal. This is grief. It hurts.

It might be helpful to reach out to friends and family and let them know that is a rough time for you. A professional counselor or spiritual advisor may be the person to help you through this time.

Please know that we are here with comfort, hope and healing.

Grief Camps

To provide access to grieving children throughout Northern Ohio, the bereavement center hosted 3 bereavement camps this summer.

Last week at Red Oak Camp in Kirtland, Ohio, the 12th annual Together We Can bereavement day camp was a great success. Forty-five children gathered to spend three days sharing laughter and tears, honoring loved ones, and learning ways to express feelings and cope with their grief. Most importantly, they had a great time and met others who have also experienced the death of a loved one.

Camp Healing Hearts (photo) was held in June and hosted 16 children at Common Ground in Oberlin, Ohio.

Thousand Trails Campground in Ashtabula hosted Bridges to Hope, a two day camp for twenty children.

We would like to thank the many paid and unpaid staff who committed their time, energy and talents to make these events great, as well as the generous foundations and numerous individuals who contributed funds to make these camps possible.

Message in a Bottle

Last week I came across this lovely story.

Family members wrote messages to their deceased loved one – a soldier who had died in Afghanistan - and placed them in an empty bottle. They tossed the bottle into the Caribbean and it landed several months in the Gulf of Mexico. Workers cleaning up the oil spill spotted the bottle and revealed its contents. The letters touched the heart of the workers who connected with the family.

When someone dies suddenly, we often hear the bereaved comment I never got to tell him/her…. In addition to deep sadness, the bereaved may feel regret, anger, guilt and a multitude of other emotions. According to W. Worden, one task of grief is to find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of moving on with life. Sending a message in a bottle is a way of doing this. Writing letters, visiting the cemetery, having conversations with the deceased can all bring comfort.

What ways have you found to remember your deceased loved one and keep them with you as you go on with life? We welcome your stories.

Anticipatory Grief

Anticipatory grief is the form of grief that occurs when one is confronted with a chronic or life threatening illness or when one anticipates the death of a loved one (or oneself).

It is the emotional pain associated with loss before death. Anticipating the loss, knowing what is coming, can be just as painful as losing the life. It does not substitute, or necessarily lessen, the post-death process. It is not post-death grief pushed ahead in time.

Anticipatory grief is common with caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s disease and other terminal illnesses. It can occur more than once. For example, when your loved one has a period of decline, you’ll experience loss. These feelings may stabilize as you loved one stabilizes. With another setback or decline, feelings of grief and loss can return. This can happen over and over again.

Anticipatory grief is not limited to future losses, but it also includes past and present losses.

Past – the past that was had/shared and can never be regained.

Present – the losses that occur and are experienced as a decline in or out right end of capabilities, the ongoing experience of things slowly getting worse.

Future – the losses of the anticipated progression of the illness and such related losses as loneliness and events that will not be shared.

Although there is no easy way to prepare or move through anticipatory grief, there are benefits. It is a time for families to reminisce, do life review, contemplate, and reconcile. It can be time for life closure and a time to clear unresolved issues. Depending on the cognitive functioning, it can also provide the occasion to formulate a legacy by creating an ethical will.

What can help…
· Hospice and palliative care team
· Support groups
· On-line support
· Professional help
· Journals
· Express feelings