The Bereavement Center

Bereavement Camps: Meeting the Needs of Grieving Children

2011-07-19T08:11:00.002-04:00

For the past 10 years, I have been involved in bereavement day camps for grieving children. The first year I observed and helped out behind the scenes. After redesigning and chairing for several years, I am back on the periphery. I miss it. Not only it is fun, the experience is always so profound.

I vividly remember the first year watching two six-years-olds from two very different walks of life hold hands as they set off for the balloon release at the end of the day. Despite only having known one another for six hours, they developed a bond that would likely connect them for years. It took them several minutes to let go of their hands and let go of their balloons. The way they hugged and looked at one another was a moment to cherish.

Click here to read more.

Anticipatory Grief - Caring for Aging Parents

2011-06-22T08:27:00.001-04:00

I have aging parents. My dad just turned 85 and my mom will turn 85 in November. The past few years have been interesting to say the least. My mom survived breast cancer. She also underwent angioplasty as a result of a heart attack, which she kept secret for three days not wanting to disrupt a relative’s bat mitzvah celebration. Mom volunteers in my office weekly and helps out with the bereavement mailings. Dad is a person with memory loss. This came to light the past couple of years and it has been a roller coaster of emotions, appointments, emotions, tests, emotions, more appointments, emotions, more tests, emotions and more emotions.

Did I mention Mom was a saint?

Click here to read more.

Coping with the death of a child

2011-06-20T09:19:00.002-04:00

Despite the best efforts of healthcare professionals, despite prayer chains and positive energy, some children with cancer die. During this journey many parents and children find comfort and support with hospice and palliative care. Hospice care is provided wherever the child lives, at home, a residential facility or a hospital. Goals of hospice are to relieve physical, emotional, social and spiritual suffering, thus enhancing the quality of life for seriously ill children and their families.

Parents and child share a unique bond and when a child dies, a piece of the parent dies too. No matter how long the child lives, the grief is palpable. The death of a child is also the death of a friend and a source of support. If it is an only child, it is the loss of the role of a parent and the possibility of grandchildren. It is the loss of hopes and dreams parents had for their children. Part of the future dies along with the child.

How can a parent survive such loss? Grief responses for parents are intense and last a long time. Shock, click here to read more

Grief and Special Occasions

2011-06-06T15:11:00.002-04:00

There are many intense and confusing feelings after the death of a loved one. Our grief is heightened on days that we are accustomed to celebrating…days that were so meaningful to our deceased loved one and family. Coping with grief can be particularly difficult when annual traditions and special occasions are continued in the friend’s or relative’s absence. During these times our deceased loved ones are noticeably missed and their absence is more palpable than on a typical day. With our expectations for joy, these special times can be complicated.

Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, anniversaries of the death, holidays, and special occasions often trigger our grief response. Sometimes the anticipation of the event can be more difficult than the actual date or the occasion itself.

Click here to read more.

Remembering Veterans this Memorial Day

2011-05-26T12:27:00.010-04:00

Memorial Day is the day set aside to honor America's war dead. This month Osama Bin Laden was killed. This causes us to remember those who died and feel relief that there is a little less horror in the world. We thank the soldiers for their acts of bravery. Bin Laden's death triggers memories of 9/11 and those that died of that act of terrorism. For many it triggers strong grief reactions and while difficult, these responses are very normal. Our world has changed since 9/11 and many soldiers have given their life to serve our country.

Originally called "Decoration Day," this holiday started in 1868 by General John A. Logan for the purpose of decorating the graves of Civil War veterans. Within twenty years, it was changed to Memorial Day in which all war dead are commemorated. It became a federal holiday in 1971.

You may also notice members of the Veterans of Foreign Wars collecting donations for poppies in the click here to read more.

Why is my husband painting the kitchen. Our son just died. ...Men and Grief

2011-05-10T13:19:00.005-04:00

We’re often asked if men grieve differently from women. Truly, there is really only one way to grieve and that is to move through it. You can try to push it down or move around it, but grief will catch up with you. Only by experiencing grief can it be resolved.

That being said, men have some very similar grief experiences that differ from women.

Society disenfranchises men’s grief. In Men Don’t Cry…Women Do, Doka and Martin describe a continuum of grievers. On one end, there are intuitive grievers who express grief in a variety of ways that include crying and expressing feelings. On the other end, there are instrumental grievers who manifest their grief through physical, (click here to read more)

Mother's Day and Grief

2011-05-06T07:26:00.001-04:00

(this is a repost from Mother's Day 2010)

Mother's Day is usually a time of celebration, but for some the time can be filled with pain and sorrow. For those who have experienced the death of a child or a mother, for those struggling with infertility, or for those who have a difficult relationship with their mother, here are some suggestions for getting through this difficult time.

Acknowledge your loss and the difficulty this day brings.

Use your loved one’s name in conversation.

Plant a living memorial such as a tree or flowers.

Visit the grave site.

Light a candle.

Share a memory or picture of your loved one.

Don’t try to minimize the loss.

Experience self care, pamper yourself.

And remember that we are here with comfort, hope and healing.

Days of Remembrance

2011-04-29T08:11:00.002-04:00

This Sunday, May 2nd, the world will observe Holocaust Remembrance Day. Yom HaShoah, is marked on the Hebrew date of Nissan 27th. On this day we remember the lives of the 6 million Jews (and millions of others) murdered during the Holocaust, as well as the experiences of those who survived it's horrors. This day was chosen by the Israeli Knesset in 1951 and is recognized my most Jews around the world.

In the United States, Congress established the Days of Remembrance as our nation’s annual commemoration of the Holocaust and created the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum as a permanent living memorial to the victims.

Please check your community to learn about local events.
Click here to learn more.

Secondary Losses

2011-04-25T13:34:00.006-04:00

For the past three years, Mrs. James went to the nursing home every day to feed her husband lunch. Despite bad weather or feeling poorly, she still made it every day. Prior to that, she cared for Mr. James in her home. As he declined, Mrs. James changed her lifestyle more and more. Eventually, she stopped going to lunch with her girlfriends and seldom made it to church or her volunteer activities. She never complained. After all, wasn’t that what marriage was about? Shortly after their 65th wedding anniversary, Mr. James died. After the busyness of the funeral she had less and less to do. Mrs. James didn’t know what hit her.

When someone you love dies, you don’t just experience the loss of your loved one. You also experience secondary losses that occur as a result of illness and death and are often overlooked.
Click here to read more.

Volunteering and Grief

2011-04-14T13:55:00.004-04:00

People volunteer for many reasons. One of the most obvious is that they want to give back. Others may want to learn a new skill, have a sense of accomplishment or an opportunity to meet new people. Perhaps they are looking for a job or want to keep busy. Maybe it’s a requirement for school. There are hundreds of reasons to volunteer. In the hospice setting, there often is a different reason. Many of our volunteers frequently make comments of this general nature: They took such good care of Bill and I want to repay that kindness. Our volunteers amaze me with their thoughtfulness as well as their generosity of time, spirit, and expertise. Click here to read more.

Advance Care Directives - Do they help the grieving?

2011-03-28T08:16:00.002-04:00

Last week an adult daughter called the bereavement center very distraught. She was worried that she had made the wrong decision in withdrawing life support from her mother. I killed her… I killed her she repeated. After expressing my condolences, I asked about her mother …her likes… dislikes… what kind of person she was…what kind of mom she was…After the woman was settled I asked if she and her mother had talked about what her mom wanted at the end of life. She was very clear that her mother did not want to be hooked up to machines or to be a burden, and that she would have wanted to be remembered as the very lively woman she was. Even though she knew what her mother would have wanted, the two did not talk about advance directives. If they had... click here to read more

Comfort and hope for older adults who are grieving

2011-03-15T15:50:00.002-04:00

My parents start the day by reading the obituaries and many older adults do the same. They think about their own mortality while grieving the death of family, friends and the community at large.

Older adults experience grief much the same as younger and middle-aged adults. However, due to their age and life experience, many factors can impact their grief reaction.

The natural process of aging includes many losses. These include loss of physical strength and endurance, loss of independence, loss of mobility and loss of youth and beauty. Older adults may have to give up their role in the family and subsequently, family dynamics change.
Read the rest of this story

Grief in and for Japan

2011-03-14T08:26:00.004-04:00

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims, the families and everyone affected by the earthquake and tsunami, in Japan as well as those in Hawaii and the Pacific coast. International aid groups are bringing medical supplies and attention, food and communication tools to the millions of folks who have been displaced from the their homes or injured. If you are able, consider donating to a reputable organization such as Red Cross or Doctor's Without Borders.

To read more on coping with tragedy like this, please read one of my earlier posts.

The Power of Grief: Death of a Sibling

2011-03-02T16:52:00.004-05:00

Sibling relationships are like no other. There is a commonality that does not exist in other relationships. When a sibling dies, the loss can be overpowering.

Even as adults, siblings are often thought of as the “forgotten mourners.” Friends and neighbors offer comfort and support to mom and dad, but often neglect siblings, disenfranchising their grief.

Click here to read more.

Grief: What should I say?

2011-02-16T14:48:00.001-05:00

During speaking engagements, presentations, and crisis response, our team is frequently asked…what should I say?

The child in this story raises that exact question. I was working with first graders in a parochial school after a parent/coach of a classmate suddenly died. We talked about big feelings and how to manage the big feelings of grief. An opportunity to talk about anger presented itself. Many children this age don’t have the vocabulary to identify feelings, let alone ways to express and manage them. Click here to read more.

Burden Bowls - A Healing Arts Workshop

2011-02-14T11:23:00.008-05:00

Grief is only part of the burden that bereaved persons bear. In this workshop, participants will create a bowl with clay and write their burdens that can then be placed in the bowl.

Healing Arts workshops provide the bereaved a creative outlet for their grief and are open to everyone. No art experience is necessary. Click here for locations and times.

We are grateful to the citizens of Cuyahoga County for supporting this program through Cuyahoga Arts & Culture.

Bullying, Suicide and Grief

2011-02-01T08:48:00.003-05:00

Grief following a suicide is intense and prolonged. It is an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions.

If your loved one was bullied prior to the suicide, that adds another dimension to the grief. Bullying can be very dangerous in a number of ways. The person can get hurt physically and psychologically. Read the rest of this story.

Emotionally Surviving a Traumatic Event

2011-01-18T08:55:00.002-05:00

It’s four in the morning. The phone rings. No one’s there. Caller ID says it’s my daughter in LA. My heart pounds. I call back. It goes straight to voice mail. I text, but there’s no response. I wait - check my email and find a disturbing message. I call again. Finally she answers. My phone is acting weird. Sorry. I’m fine.

I cannot fall back to sleep. I am concocting a response to her email in my head.

John saw a biker get hit by a car. I only saw the aftermath. Lots of blood and the guy wasn't moving. The entire windshield was smashed. It was horrifying. Click here to read more.

Is it grief or post-holiday depression?

2011-01-03T15:33:00.002-05:00

The holidays are over. You survived. But a lingering feeling of sadness remains. Is it your grief? Have you become clinically depressed? Or is it a let-down after the holidays?

The holiday season certainly had plenty of stress - conflicted relationships, financial concerns, musings on previous holidays, and the noted absence of your loved one. For some, the distress lifted when the holidays ended. Others may continue to feel unhappy or stressed even when they have enjoyed the holiday season.

While depression can include grief, grief can also mimic depression. It is important to recognize the characteristics of each. Grief encompasses a broad spectrum of behaviors and feelings that are common after a loss, which makes differentiating between grief and depression challenging. Click here to read more.

Grief and New Year's Resolutions

2010-12-30T14:13:00.002-05:00

It’s almost New Year’s Eve. Many of us use this time to look back at the past year and forward to the next. For those grieving, we can look for memories and stories of love and relationship. We can think about finding ways to stay connected to our deceased loved ones while moving on in the new year. Traditionally New Years is the time to make resolutions, to make changes in our lifestyle and to reach new goals. This year, think about resolutions of working through grief. Be sure to include self-care and finding support.

Please know that we continue to be here with comfort, hope, and healing.

Best wishes.

Grief and the holidays

2010-12-23T09:34:00.014-05:00

I recently appeared on the news discussing tips to get through the holidays when you are grieving the death of a loved one.

http://www.wkyc.com/life/programming/shows/goodcompany/gc_article.aspx?storyid=165618&catid=267

What songs of grief are on your teen's iPod?

2010-12-20T10:12:00.002-05:00

When death impacts the life of your teen, it is often overwhelming and difficult to know how to help, particularly if you are grieving the loss yourself. Parents often feel the desire to protect and shield their children from the pain, sadness and tragedy of death. Unfortunately, avoiding grief will not avoid heartache. Dismissing death and failing to acknowledge grief reactions can increase feelings of isolation and discourage teens from seeking support.

Many grieving adolescents feel as if no one else can understand their feelings or situation. Grieving adolescents may isolate themselves, hold their feelings inside and pretend everything is fine. Click here to read more.

Memory Wreaths - Coping with grief during the holidays

2010-12-17T15:13:00.006-05:00

Last week folks grieving the death of a loved one gathered at one of our Memory Wreath Healing Arts Workshops. They decorated a grapevine wreath, symbolizing unbroken life and love, with personal and seasonal symbols, as well as wishes, memories and prayers.

The participants remarked about how the evening was helpful, relaxing and enjoyable. They were able to give and receive comfort and support , build a lasting memory in honor of their loved one and build their own self-esteem.

Please join us this winter for more Healing Arts Workshops.

Grief: Coping with the holiday

2010-12-09T09:06:00.013-05:00

For the past 10 years I have been writing an annual column on coping with the holidays. Each year I get asked, “How will I ever get through the holidays?” For so many bereaved, this will be the first holiday season without their deceased love one. The first year is difficult. The second and third year can be pretty tough, too.

The first year, things may seem surreal. Perhaps you decided to take a vacation or have dinner at your Auntie’s home. You may still be in a fog. Then the second or third holiday season comes around and reality sets in. Your deceased love one will not be present. If you always had Christmas dinner at mom’s or potato latkes at Aunt Marsha’s. Click here to read more.

Cuyahoga Arts & Culture ...project support grant

2010-11-23T08:26:00.013-05:00

Spirit Doll

Hospice of the Western Reserve in Cleveland, OH has recently been awarded a Cuyahoga Arts & Culture Project Support grant of $11,274. This grant funding will support the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center’s Healing Arts and Fabric & Feelings programs offered in Cuyahoga County throughout 2011. Like all bereavement center programs, Healing Arts workshops and Fabric & Feelings groups are offered to any member of the community who has experienced a loss due to death.

Visual Stories...

The act of using art to fulfill a basic human need can be powerful and transformative, and the experience can benefit both the individual and the community. Art therapy programs foster a sense of community and offer the bereaved an opportunity to identify and express feelings of grief, develop coping strategies and remember and honor their deceased loved one. Creating art can foster a renewed sense of confidence and purpose, and our bereavement programs help to make the arts accessible to a broad segment of the population.

Landscapes of the heart

The bereavement center of Hospice of the Western Reserve is proud to be among the 130 local non-profit organizations selected for Cuyahoga Arts & Culture funding in 2011.

Click here for times and locations of upcoming events.

In the midst of grief, can you feel thankful?

2010-11-22T07:44:00.003-05:00

I do a lot of teaching and have one slide in my PowerPoint presentation that lists thankfulness as a symptom of grief and loss. When I open it up to the audience they usually comment that perhaps the bereaved is thankful that their loved one is no longer in pain or is no longer suffering. And that may be very true, but there is more.

A few years ago I heard Ted Bowman speak on Thankfulness for Grief and Grieving: Exploring Paradoxes. Mr. Bowman linked thankfulness and grieving, not by minimizing the pain and suffering that is experienced during grief, but by encouraging grievers to pay attention to thankfulness in the midst of grieving. Click here to read more.

Creating a legacy through Ethical Wills

2010-11-09T10:00:00.009-05:00

When a person dies…it’s as though a library burned down.
-----African proverb

Arlene Harris created her first quilt for her parent’s 57th wedding anniversary. Little did she know it would be their last. Her mother died a few months later. Her dad moved in with her sister and after a month, asked that the quilt be hung in the living where he could share his memories with family and friends. A couple of years ago, Arlene’s dad died and now the quilt hangs in Arlene’s home. Each time she looks at it, it brings back “incredible memories.” It has become a legacy that will be passed on to future generations.

Each November, the hospice community works to raise awareness about hospice and palliative care during National Hospice and Palliative Care Month.

One service hospice offers is helping patients and families develop and create legacy work. Sometimes called life closure or an ethical will, legacy work is a collection of personal values and family history that can be passed on to loved ones. Some see it as a way to learn about one’s self, reflect on life and to affirm the importance of others in their life.

Click here to read more.

Grief; When somone you know completes suicide

2010-10-25T10:08:00.002-04:00

I frequently get calls from individuals who know someone who had a family member or friend complete suicide. They are not sure what to say or what to do as there is still stigma related to suicide in today’s society.

People attempt suicide when their emotional and psychological pain becomes unbearable. They are unable to see that there are other options. They may feel completely isolated and cannot think of anyone to turn to for help even when they have good supports in their lives. People who attempt suicide are not “crazy.” Many people who complete suicide are acutely distressed or clinically depressed.

Grief following a suicide is intense and prolonged. Suicide is a traumatic loss. It is sudden, unexpected and frequently violent. People do not “get over it.” With support and understanding, the bereaved can learn to manage their grief and maintain a relationship with the deceased.
Click here to read more.

The Gifts You Gave Me: An Imaging Journal

2010-10-19T08:47:00.012-04:00

A new Healing Arts Workshop is being offered this fall. Grieving individuals will create a journal memorializing their loved ones and the gifts they received from them. The group will meet for four weeks and each week will focus on specific components, such as monoprinting, blind contour drawing, use of negative/positive space and watercolor. Personal photographs and mementos may also be incorporated into the journal.

Please consider joining us for this innovate program.

Click here for more details.

It was only a pet

2010-10-11T15:09:00.002-04:00

The love relationship between pets and their owners take on many qualities – companionship, comfort, security and love. When a pet dies, these aspects of the relationship are lost and the grief can be intense. Yet society often disenfranchises pet loss with cliché’s and unhelpful comments such as "you can always get another one".

The death of a pet can be very significant especially when you look at the nature of the pet/owner attachment. Some children lay claim to the family pet – they feed, clean up after, and play tirelessly with the beloved animal. The death of a pet is often a child’s first major loss. Isolated older adults often have significant relationships with their pets and the death of a pet can trigger grief reactions from other losses. Many hospice patients worry about what will happen to their pet when they die and only find peace once their pet has been placed in a home. Indeed, pets have become family members.

Click here to read more

El Dia de los Muertos (The Day of the Dead)

2010-10-05T10:10:00.003-04:00

The Day of the Dead of Dia de los Muertos is a holiday celebrated in Mexico and the United States. The holiday focuses on gatherings of family and friends to honor those that have died. Traditonally, families build private altars honoring the deceased. They decorate the altars with sugar skulls, marigolds and favorite foods of the deceased.

This year the bereavement center will again host two healing arts workshops to celebrate the Day of the Dead. Participants will decorate a small skull (as a representation of the traditional sugar skulls) with colors and symbols that depict the personalities of the departed loved ones. The completed skulls will be placed on and around a traditionally decorated altar. A small celebration will follow where participants will be given the opportunity to share beloved memories and stories of their departed loved ones. No art experience is necessary.

Please join us.

A private grief

2010-09-29T17:08:00.001-04:00

Sarah’s lover dies, yet she cannot go to the funeral because her lover’s wife and children are present. Sarah also has children by this man, but their relationship has been hidden for many years.

Grief is commonly disenfranchised in today’s community. Disenfranchised grief is a phrase developed by Kenneth Doka (2002) to describe grief that is not publicly acknowledged or socially sanctioned. Disenfranchised grief can occur when there have been extramarital relationships or co– habitation.

Recent news reports of the men trapped in a Chilean mine revealed women arriving at the camp to find that their partners had a wife and children that they were not aware of. One report said that a miner had a first wife whom he never divorced, a live-in partner who is a mother of a child he had several years ago as well as a woman who claims to be his current girlfriend. You may know others who have had this happen to them or a loved one. Click here to read more.

Grief support in the schools

2010-09-17T10:01:00.013-04:00

Mid-September finds our school services program moving forward at a face past. Listed below are some highlights.

Grief impacts an entire social network. This includes families, friends, colleagues, communities and schools. Many schools recognize the value of nurturing acceptance of a school-related loss and work to provide a supportive environment for student and staff process and memorializing. Click here to read our bereavment newsletter for schools.

Children grieving the loss of somone special need extra support. Elementary school-aged childrne respond well to specific, developmentally appropriate, grief interventions. Art, music, bibiliotherapy will be highlighted in this years NEOEA Day workshop: Someone Special Died: Helping the Elementary School-Aged Child.

We are in the planning stages with several schools to offer our 8-10 week S.T.A.R.S. grief support group.

If you you like more information on our school program or any of our programs, please contact us.

Grief: How do you heal if multiple deaths occur over a short time period?

2010-09-13T07:39:00.005-04:00

A friend experienced the death of her son-in-law, and then a week later her mother-in-law died. A month later, her Dad died. My heart goes out to her and her family.

Her grief needed and still needs to be validated and normalized. Grieving for one person and then experiencing additional deaths during that initial grief period can hamper the healing process. In addition, each subsequent death can spark previous grief reactions. The roller coaster of emotions can move at a fast and furious pace.

We have learned from working with older adults who frequently experience multiple deaths in the course of a year that it is often helpful to compartmentalize the deaths. You may not know which person to grieve for first. You may you feel guilt over missing one person more than another. Take the time to grieve each death. Each person that died was a unique person and your relationship with that person had its own distinctive qualities. To read more ...

Grief and Loss and the high holy days…..

2010-09-02T10:59:00.003-04:00

While much is written about grieving during Thanksgiving and the many December holidays, not much attention has been given to the difficulty coping during the Jewish high holy season.

Happy New Year. May you be inscribed in the book of life….

This sentiment is expressed by many well intentioned individuals throughout the Jewish High Holy days. However, if you have recently experienced the death of a loved one, these greetings may be difficult to hear. Family members gather to celebrate with traditional foods. Communities come together to worship. These can act as a trigger for the newly bereaved. As families dip apples in honey to ensure a sweet new year, the grieving individual may be wondering if life will ever be sweet again. If you are caring for a loved one with a terminal illness or have just buried your loved one, the holidays can bring sadness and loneliness. People who grieve may in fact, dread this time of year because they don’t feel happy. They may want to skip the holidays altogether.

There are many significant days for the bereaved throughout the year – birthdays, anniversaries, secular holidays and the religious holidays. The new year’s services elucidate the fragility of life with many life and death themes. While some find solace and comfort in the synagogue through singing, meditation and reading sacred poems, others may feel it is just too much. These themes can be a trigger and everyone reacts differently. There is no right or wrong away to celebrate after a loved one has died.

People who are grieving often do not have the emotional or physical energy to celebrate the holidays as have they done in the past. Communicate with family and friends. Let others know when you are not up to attending a gathering.

Think about including the deceased in your holiday. You may want to honor your loved one by sharing stories, reminiscing about past holidays, toasting your loved one’s memory or doing a kind deed as a tribute.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. Honor your time to grieve.

Grief hurts when your child ISN'T returning to school

2010-08-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

Summer is nearly over and children are preparing to return to school. It’s time to buy new clothes, new shoes, and school supplies. Older children are getting ready to or have already moved into dorms or apartments and are settling into college life. For some, this is a very exciting time of the year.

However, if you are a parent or guardian whose child has died, these months can be very trying. You don’t need to buy your child clothes or shoes or school supplies. You aren’t moving your child into a dormitory. Your heart aches with longing for your deceased loved one.

You may feel as if you are on an emotional roller coaster. You may have thought you were doing better and then seeing the school bus sets off waves of tears. This is normal. This is grief. It hurts.

It might be helpful to reach out to friends and family and let them know that is a rough time for you. A professional counselor or spiritual advisor may be the person to help you through this time.

Please know that we are here with comfort, hope and healing.

Grief Camps

2010-08-18T08:10:00.003-04:00

To provide access to grieving children throughout Northern Ohio, the bereavement center hosted 3 bereavement camps this summer.

Last week at Red Oak Camp in Kirtland, Ohio, the 12th annual Together We Can bereavement day camp was a great success. Forty-five children gathered to spend three days sharing laughter and tears, honoring loved ones, and learning ways to express feelings and cope with their grief. Most importantly, they had a great time and met others who have also experienced the death of a loved one.

Camp Healing Hearts (photo) was held in June and hosted 16 children at Common Ground in Oberlin, Ohio.

Thousand Trails Campground in Ashtabula hosted Bridges to Hope, a two day camp for twenty children.

We would like to thank the many paid and unpaid staff who committed their time, energy and talents to make these events great, as well as the generous foundations and numerous individuals who contributed funds to make these camps possible.

Message in a Bottle

2010-08-12T09:36:00.001-04:00

Last week I came across this lovely story.

Family members wrote messages to their deceased loved one – a soldier who had died in Afghanistan - and placed them in an empty bottle. They tossed the bottle into the Caribbean and it landed several months in the Gulf of Mexico. Workers cleaning up the oil spill spotted the bottle and revealed its contents. The letters touched the heart of the workers who connected with the family.

When someone dies suddenly, we often hear the bereaved comment I never got to tell him/her…. In addition to deep sadness, the bereaved may feel regret, anger, guilt and a multitude of other emotions. According to W. Worden, one task of grief is to find an enduring connection with the deceased in the midst of moving on with life. Sending a message in a bottle is a way of doing this. Writing letters, visiting the cemetery, having conversations with the deceased can all bring comfort.

What ways have you found to remember your deceased loved one and keep them with you as you go on with life? We welcome your stories.

Anticipatory Grief

2010-08-06T14:39:00.001-04:00

Anticipatory grief is the form of grief that occurs when one is confronted with a chronic or life threatening illness or when one anticipates the death of a loved one (or oneself).

It is the emotional pain associated with loss before death. Anticipating the loss, knowing what is coming, can be just as painful as losing the life. It does not substitute, or necessarily lessen, the post-death process. It is not post-death grief pushed ahead in time.

Anticipatory grief is common with caregivers of those with Alzheimer’s disease and other terminal illnesses. It can occur more than once. For example, when your loved one has a period of decline, you’ll experience loss. These feelings may stabilize as you loved one stabilizes. With another setback or decline, feelings of grief and loss can return. This can happen over and over again.

Anticipatory grief is not limited to future losses, but it also includes past and present losses.

Past – the past that was had/shared and can never be regained.

Present – the losses that occur and are experienced as a decline in or out right end of capabilities, the ongoing experience of things slowly getting worse.

Future – the losses of the anticipated progression of the illness and such related losses as loneliness and events that will not be shared.

Although there is no easy way to prepare or move through anticipatory grief, there are benefits. It is a time for families to reminisce, do life review, contemplate, and reconcile. It can be time for life closure and a time to clear unresolved issues. Depending on the cognitive functioning, it can also provide the occasion to formulate a legacy by creating an ethical will.

What can help…
· Hospice and palliative care team
· Support groups
· On-line support
· Professional help
· Journals
· Express feelings

Supporting the grieving adolescent

2010-07-20T14:34:00.002-04:00

Understanding adolescents can be a challenge and supporting grieving adolescents can be difficult. The feelings of grief may be intense and changeable. A grieving adolescent may be fearful of these feelings. It is common for a grieving adolescent to experience a certain amount of decreased ability to motivate themselves or concentrate for long periods of time. This can make school work challenging. Many grieving adolescents feel as if no one else can understand their feelings or situation. Grieving adolescents may isolate themselves, hold their feelings inside and pretend everything is fine. Some grieving adolescents may feel overwhelmed and unsupported and turn to negative behaviors as a way to cope with the pain they are experiencing. Thoughts of suicide, use of alcohol or drugs, and increased sexual activity are indicators of a problem adjusting to the death of their loved one.

There are many ways adults can support grieving adolescents. Grieving adolescents need the opportunity to share their story of grief. Find opportunities that allow adolescent to share. The more they keep their feelings inside, the harder it becomes to express them. Unexpressed feelings fester within our bodies and can lead to greater problems. Writing gives our grief words. Putting thoughts and feelings in journals, letters to the person who has died, poems, and stories gives the grieving adolescent an avenue to express feelings.

Music plays an important role in the lives of adolescents. Communicating through music can enhance our understanding of grieving adolescents. Certain songs elicit feelings, thoughts and memories related to the person who has died. Music can help adolescents share what they are experiencing with someone else and break through the defenses of grief. Adolescents may want to write original music in tribute to the person who has died or select music that reminds them of their loved one and discuss these lyrics.

Art provides another creative outlet for grieving adolescent to create a visual image of their feelings and their story of grief. They may want to create a legacy such as a quilt or a memory box. These visual images can open communication and provide a healthy grieving process.

Although it may be difficult to support grieving adolescents, accompanying them on their journey of grief is a life changing experience.

Caregiving and Grief

2010-07-16T11:57:00.005-04:00

Here is a moving article by one of the bereavement center's grief counselors.

The Loneliness of the Longtime Caregiver
Carol Dikovitsky, SND, PCC, ATR-BC

Dorothy was glad that her parents had lived such long lives. They had supported her through the most memorable and difficult times of her life. They celebrated her achievements and helped to raise her children after her divorce. But now her parents were in their nineties, experiencing physical and mental health issues. Part of the problem was that they didn’t recognize ANY problem with continuing to live in their two-story home. THEY didn’t see the dust and clutter invading a previously immaculate house. THEY didn’t mind eating TV dinners nightly because her mother was no longer up to cooking. THEY didn’t worry about the possibility of falls and broken bones. An only child, Dorothy faced her parents’ increasing need for help with dismay. She still had a full time job. How could she provide help?

Dorothy talked with her parents about moving to a senior assisted living complex. Her mother was open to this; her father refused. “I’m going to die in this house,” he said. Next, she convinced them to hire a woman living on the same street to help with meal preparation, laundry, medications, etc. On the first day, after discussing menus and supplies, Dorothy left to buy groceries. While she was gone, her parents fired the caregiver. “Meals on Wheels” met a similar fate. So Dorothy became a part-time caregiver. She gave up many things in her own life. She could no longer see friends or make plans without considering her parents’ needs. She made sure they had food, clean clothing, a relatively neat house and took medications appropriately. She saw that their bills were paid. It was difficult to juggle her home life, her job and her parents’ increasing needs, but she did it. Her parents had done the same thing for her when she young.

Eventually, both parents declined to the point where they needed nursing care. Dorothy’s father fell, broke his hip and never recovered from his injury. Her mother’s dementia progressed - she could no longer argue against residential care. Dorothy managed these crises and continued to deal with finances and other needs.

When her parents died, Dorothy was chagrined to note that her primary emotion was relief. “Maybe when I’m not so exhausted I’ll be able to grieve,” she thought. However, after speaking with a grief counselor, Dorothy realized that she had been grieving all through the years of her parents’ long decline. The people who had loved and supported her, who were wise and humorous, had been disappearing for years. The worst part had been watching THEM realize that they were declining. When Dorothy accepted this, she was able to understand her feeling of relief. She missed her parents—she really did—but she had been missing them for a long time.

Dorothy didn’t know what to do with all her free time. She felt rootless and lacked a sense of purpose for each day. It took a while to rebuild her life, to call up friends or make spontaneous plans, to visit grandchildren or to travel. Eventually she began to volunteer for a cause she believed in, and her life took on a new rhythm of work, enjoyment, and purpose.

There are many “Dorothys” who are grieving the slow dying of elderly parents. If you are or have been a “Dorothy,” don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Many people find support groups focused on the death of parents to be helpful. One-on-one grief counseling may be appropriate as well.

Please contact us at thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org or call us at 216-486-6838. We will be happy to suggest helpful resources.

Grief and Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities

2010-07-06T14:34:00.000-04:00

Here is an informative piece written by our grief counselor, Robert Ballantine, MSW, DCC, D.MIN.,LISW.

The impact of grief is very real for individuals with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Unfortunately, not much attention has been given to the bereavement needs of these individuals or other people with special needs. Knowledge about ways to assist them is limited and written resources are few. In fact, the question has even arisen: does an individual with intellectual and developmental disabilities understand the meaning of death? Depending on the level of cognitive functioning, they may or may not understand the concept of death, especially its permanency, but they have a good understanding of loss and how it makes them feel. Most of these individuals have experienced losses throughout their entire life.

Difficulties may arise after a death when the individual starts feeling the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual impact of grief. Grief reactions may include behaviors such as: being overly tired, increased irritability, wanting to be alone, excessive crying, impatience, becoming angry easily, difficulty with house mates, being more aggressive and repeatedly asking the same questions. Depending on their cognitive and verbal abilities, they may not be able to say what is bothering them. Staff and family may often misinterpret the reason for the changes in behavior. They may assume the bereaved is being lazy, difficult or stubborn. The fact is that individuals with mental retardation have the same types of reaction to a death as those who do not have any disability.

Assisting these individuals can be challenging. Deciphering how and what they are communicating can be very difficult. Their responses cannot always be taken at face value. For instance, many individuals will answer all questions with a positive response. Time frames may be difficult to interpret. You may even notice the person having a conversation with the deceased. The death may trigger other losses. For example, if the individual has been living at home and the caregiver dies, he or she may have to be placed in a group home.

It is important to allow the individual to attend the funeral and/or visitation (even if special arrangements need to be made), to participate in rituals if possible, and to visit the cemetery. As with those of us who function normally, their grief journey also needs this kind of closure and support.

For persons with intellectual or developmentally disabilities, the grief journey may be different but the road is the same. Support and understanding is just as important in assisting them to successfully move through their journey as it is for everyone else.

Grieving your loved one on the Fourth of July

2010-06-30T09:17:00.004-04:00

Independence Day, commonly know as the Fourth of July, is right around the corner. Communities celebrate with fireworks, parades, concerts, carnivals and fairs. Families celebrate with picnics, barbeques, and baseball games. Politicians look for a format for speeches and ceremonies. And there are many other public and privates events celebrating the history, government and traditions of the United Sates.

But what if your loved one isn’t around this year? What if your deceased husband was the one to raise the flag in front of your home? Or if you deceased loved one died in Iraq or Afghanistan? You may n0t feel much like celebrating.

Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can often trigger our grief reactions. Consider these tips for helping you cope this holiday weekend.

Create a photo collage. Sort through old holiday photos to create a collage that highlight these memories.
Light a candle that you have specially selected to represent your loved one. The lighting of this candle will provide a symbol of their presence.
Have your loved one’s favorite meal for your holiday picnic or barbeque.
Have a toast in their memory and then allow each person to share a memory about what made this person so special.
Sing or listen to their favorite patriotic song.
Donate to a favorite charity. The selfless act of giving to others might be just the thing you need.
Write a letter to your loved one. Share how you feel, how it’s different and how it’s the same.

You will very likely have other ideas that you can incorporate into your weekend plans. Remember, you are not alone. Take care of yourself and reach out for help as needed.

Weaving the Memories

2010-06-23T09:34:00.004-04:00

The bereavement center is working with Hospice of the Western Reserve’s Peaceful and Proud committee to offer a Healing Arts Workshop for those grieving the death of a veteran and for veterans experiencing grief.

In this workshop, we will honor the deceased veterans we love. Participants will write memories or prayers on ribbons to create a fabric of love and connection. This will become a lasting memory and tribute to their loved one

While we have done many programs through our veteran’s committee, including education and training as well as pinning ceremonies, this is the first Healing Arts Workshops designed especially for this group.

We hope you will attend. To register call 216-486-6838 or email us at the bereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

Should community summer day camps provide grief and loss education?

2010-06-11T14:33:00.002-04:00

Summer is here and many parents working outside the home struggle with finding appropriate care for their children. Should they use day care, a camp associated with day care, a community rec center or a series of specialty camps? What about all the logistics involved – car pooling, forms to complete, worry after worry. Now add grief into the equation. It’s hard enough managing the summer without the addition of the big feelings of grief. This is true for both parents and children.

While there are many grief camps in the community (and we offer several), the bereavement center wonders what the reaction would be if concepts of grief and loss were introduced to kids at a community focused day camp. Scavenger hunts where the campers search for items that are dead and alive, activities that focus on big feelings (art or physical activities), and games that focus on working together and asking for help could be offered. These are aspects of grief and loss that would be helpful to all children.

We welcome your thoughts on this topic.

There is limited space available for our Together We Can grief camp. For more information, contact us as thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

Memorial Day – Remembering what it is all about

2010-05-25T11:41:00.002-04:00

Memorial Day weekend is right around the corner. Friends and family may be making plans for picnics. Gardeners try to get all their plants in the ground. Children look forward to the pools being opened and the unofficial start of summer. But what is Memorial Day really about?

Memorial Day was originally called “Decoration Day.” It was started in 1868 by General John A. Logan for the purpose of decorating the graves of Civil War veterans. Within twenty years, it was changed to Memorial Day in which all war dead are commemorated. It became a federal holiday in 1971 and moved from May 30th to the last Monday in May. Often we do not observe the day as we should -- a day where we actively remember our ancestors, family members, loved ones, neighbors, and friends who have given the ultimate sacrifice.

Here is an exception: Since the late 50's on the Thursday before Memorial Day, the 1,200 soldiers of the 3rd U.S. Infantry place small American flags at each of the more than 260,000 gravestones at Arlington National Cemetery. They patrol 24 hours a day during the weekend to ensure that each flag remains standing.

In addition, the “National Moment of Remembrance” resolution was passed in Dec 2000 to help re-educate and remind us of the true meaning of Memorial Day. It asks that at 3 p.m. local time, all Americans to voluntarily and informally observe in their own way a moment of remembrance and respect, pausing from whatever they doing for a moment of silence and listen to Taps.

Here are more ways we can honor our loved ones, our ancestors, our friends who died in conflicts and wars:

visit cemeteries and place flags or flowers on the graves of our fallen heroes
visit memorials
fly the U.S. Flag at half-staff until noon
fly the POW/MIA Flag
participate in the National Moment of Remembrance at 3 p.m.

Facebook: Grief and Loss

2010-05-18T08:02:00.002-04:00

Technology has afforded us a wonderful way to stay connected as a community. Facebook not only brings together long-lost friends, but also provides an effective outlet for grief. Facebook hosts many memorialized accounts of deceased users. Friends and families can continue to post photos and comments on these accounts. Facebook will respect a family’s wishes to take down the deceased user’s profile or keep it in a “memorial state.” The “memorial state” disables certain features like status updates and allows only confirmed friends to access the profile.

Members who are grieving a death often use their own profile to announce the death and funeral arrangements. Many individuals post messages, videos and photos about their deceased loved one. They can also create new groups or pages devoted to the deceased or causes associated with them. Members continue to comment on their loss and talk about how much they miss their loved one. Friends comment back and show their support.

In addition, there are also many websites and blogs, such as this, that can support the bereaved through the pain of grief.

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center is a program of Hospice of the Western Reserve. Hospice of the Western Reserve recently joined Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. Please follow us on these sites.

Yoga Matters

2010-05-11T13:12:00.002-04:00

Why is it important to take time to practice yoga during a period of extreme stress?

When a person is responsible for the care of a loved one during sickness, or is coping with the death of a loved one, it may seem too hard to try to do one more thing. But practicing yoga is not just another "should." It is a gift to yourself, a time of quiet designed to leave you with a sense of peace. The following are some ways yoga practice can help you take care of yourself.

Breath work is paying attention to how we breathe. When we do this, we become more sensitive; life energy flows naturally and fully through the body and clears the mind. This helps us to become focused and able to concentrate. Some breath practices help to release anxiety or depression, while others re-energize.

Postures help with the letting go of stress so healing can occur from deep within. The postures promote strength and flexibility, especially for the back. The nervous system responds to this, bringing a sense of calm and release. Through improved circulation and breath, all body processes, including the heart, lungs and digestive system, become healthier. Vitality improves. As the body begins to function with more ease, the "dis-ease" we experience decreases.

Deep relaxation is probably the most restorative aspect of yoga practice for most people. Learning to relax is a necessary skill for those dealing with the stress of taking care of a loved one who is ill, as well as for those trying to readjust to life after a loved one has died. It is a practice that teaches us how to let go and to be present within ourselves.

Please consider joining our weekly yoga group, Wednesdays at 5:30 p.m.
For more information, email us at thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

http://www.hospicewr.org/media/documents/programs/FLYER%20YOGA.pdf

Grieving Children - a one day camp

2010-05-10T09:32:00.005-04:00

Camp Healing Hearts is one-day event for children ages 6 though 14 who have experienced the death of a love one. Led by trained professionals experienced in working with children who are grieving, this day will offer adventure challenge activities, art therapy, a drum circle and time for sharing. Bereavement camps help normalize and validate the grief response in a safe, supportive and fun environment. Children realize that they are not alone.

Saturday, June 12, 2010
9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. (registration at 8:45 a.m.)
Lunch is provided

Common Ground
14240 Baird Road, Oberlin, OH

To receive registration materials, contact Felicia at (216)486-6335 or
Thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org

Co-sponsored by the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center and Common Ground: The Nord Center for Renewal

Journaling Grief

2010-04-29T14:06:00.002-04:00

One way to work through grief is a personal journal. The purpose of journal writing is to attend to our grief by expressing the feelings we keep inside. Our journal may house our innermost thoughts and provide a healthy release from these emotions. It provides a safe place to express ourselves. It acts as a reflector of what we are experiencing, and can give us the stimulation and support which many of us seek from other people.

You can make your own journal or purchase one. There are several geared specifically for the grieving person. In addition to your feelings, you may want to include drawings or clips from magazines, helpful or inspirational quotes or anything else that has meaning for you.

Here are some phrases to help you get started…

I feel.....
I forgot to tell you.....
You taught me.....
You would be proud to know that I.....
I can hear you say.....
I remember.....
I am grateful for.....
I will get through the day by.....
I get support from.....
It helps me to .....

Remember, it is your unique journal. You bring to it who you are.

Supporting Grieving Adolescents with Expressive Interventions

2010-04-20T10:43:00.003-04:00

In partnership with Lakewood Hospital, a Cleveland Clinic hospital, we are offering a workshop that will address the unique aspects of adolescent grief and offer expressive therapy strategies that support managing loss in this sometimes difficult population.

Wednesday, April 28th, 9:15 - 11:15 at the Lakewood Library.

Objectives:

explain unique concepts concerning adolescent grief

list three examples of music therapy's effectiveness in managing grief and loss

describe three art interventions that can be used to support grieving adolescents

demonstrate journaling as a grief support intervention

Sesame Street: When Families Grieve

2010-04-15T15:15:00.003-04:00

Sesame Street’s When Families Grieve premiered last night on PBS. Four families shared their stories about the death of their parent/spouse. Katie Couric did a fine job interacting with Elmo and his cousin as well as the families. This show tackled a growing issue families are facing. So many parents have gone overseas to Iraq and Afghanistan leaving behind the uncertainty of losing a parent. Here in the United States, millions of children lose a parent to death every year. This show demonstrated that talking about grief does really help. Resources are available on line for parents and children, as well as teens, and for those who work with the bereaved.

http://www.sesameworkshop.org/grief

Grieving the Mining Disaster

2010-04-07T08:56:00.001-04:00

Our heartfelt condolences go out to the family and friends of the known miners who tragically lost their lives in a huge underground explosion blamed on methane gas in West Virginia. Twenty-five coal miners in the worst U.S. mining disaster in more than two decades have died. Four others are still missing and their chances of survival are dim. Each family’s story is heartbreaking and we hope they find strength and support in the days ahead.

If you are grieving a sudden, traumatic death, please know that you are not alone. It is important to understand that a sudden death falls outside our usual experience, what we expect life to be like. Abruptly losing a special person can shatter our sense of well-being. We may experience very strong reactions that could include fear, helplessness, shock, anger, and, sometimes, horror. These reactions are normal responses to an extremely difficult time in our lives. These trauma reactions mix with our grief, and the results can be overwhelming.

Things that Help

The signs and symptoms of a stress reaction may last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or longer, depending on the severity of the traumatic death. The understanding and support of family and friends can help the stress reactions pass more quickly. There are a number of things that can help during this very difficult time.

· Maintain as normal a schedule as possible (as impossible as it seems); structure your time
· Follow the basics for good health (even when you don’t feel like it) – rest, eat well, exercise
· Reduce other stressors as much as possible – make to do lists, be patient with yourself when you can’t find your keys, limit distractions that might interfere with concentration
· Be aware of numbing the pain with overuse of drugs or alcohol; go easy on caffeine
· Talk to people – reach out, spend time with others
· Do things that feel good to you – take a walk, listen to music, keep a feelings journal, etc.
· Give yourself permission to feel the pain and share these feelings with others
· Don't feel the need to fight reoccurring thoughts, dreams or flashbacks; they are normal and will decrease overtime and become less painful

April is Autism Awareness Month

2010-04-06T07:58:00.002-04:00

Many parents report grieving when their child is diagnosed with autism. They grieve the loss of the child of their dreams. As parents come to accept where their child is actually at and who he or she really is, they become able to dream new dreams for them and for their families. These new dreams are reality based and therefore are more likely to be attainable.

Jim Sinclair wrote an article Don't Mourn For Us which was published in "Our Voice," the newsletter of Autism Network International, Vol 1, number 3, 1993. It is written to parents from the autistic child's perspective. http://www.grasp.org/media/mourn.pdf. I found it very interesting and insightful and I think you will too.

Please take the time to learn as much as you can about autism.

Healing Arts Grief Workshop; Mosaics

2010-04-01T07:43:00.003-04:00

Please join us for a healing arts workshop where we will be using old dishes, mirrors, or tiles to create a mosaic box or tray. Grief is often transformational and the process of mosaics parallels grief work. Something that has been broken can be healed and something beautiful can be created. Follow the link below for location and time.

http://www.hospicewr.org/media/MOSAIC-20101.pdf

Spring Training

2010-03-22T08:26:00.000-04:00

It’s unfortunate that there is no "spring training" for griefwork, but we can start off the season with a feeling of renewal and some plans and goals.

Baseball experts make the following points. Successful spring training incorporates all of the necessary elements of a game so that the players can maximize their performance as soon as the season begins and be able to sustain peak physical condition throughout the season. What are some elements of griefwork? How can we maximize our performance? Fitness components vary from player to player, their role on the team, the demands of the game and their current fitness level.

Each one of us grieves in our own unique way, and our roles in life vary. How can we know in advance what demands others will place on us or what self-expectations we have? How can we get in shape to grieve knowing that the season can be long and arduous?

Even though we may anticipate the death of a loved one and perhaps have watched our beloved’s slow decline, we still feel a deep sadness when he or she dies. If the death is sudden, we may feel shock as well. Acknowledging and accepting the death are first steps; feeling the pain of grief follows. It’s hard to prepare for this, but once it’s upon us we can take some steps along the journey. The right amount of sleep, good nutrition, self care, and exercise -- these are all elements of griefwork. Telling stories and reaching out to others is also part of the process. Adjusting to new roles and responsibilities may be scary, exciting or frustrating. Every one of us has our own path and our own schedule. In time we will be able to find an enduring connection with our loved one.

Think about setting some simple goals this spring season. Can you incorporate light exercise into your routine? Can you find someone to share your stories and feelings? Grief is hard work day in and day out, but the results of this hard work can bring healing and comfort.

We are here with support this spring season,

Skating through grief

2010-03-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

Joannie Rochette, bronze medalist in the 2010 Winter Olympics for Canada skated through her grief. Two days before the short program, Rochette's mother died suddenly of a heart attack, just hours after arriving in Vancouver to watch her daughter skate. Rochette chose to continue competing in her mother's honor. In the Olympic short program, Rochette recorded a personal best, the third highest score of the night. Two days later, she held on to her third place position after the long program and won the bronze medal.

Is this normal? Did she do the right thing? How is one able to put aside feelings of grief and go on with the show? This is not the typical or expected grief reaction. It did show enormous inner strength. Rochette was able to compartmentalize her grief and perform. Rochette is an incredibly disciplined athlete and she was able to concentrate and remain focused. She performed well and then chose to skate again in the gala to honor her mother.

Do not expect yourself to grieve in this fashion. Rochette set the bar high. Grief is hard work. Everyday, the bereaved return to jobs or school and put aside their grief. Grief is put on hold or put into a container, if you will. Putting aside the heartache in its own “space” can enable you to direct your focus and deal with the work in front of you. At the end of the day, you’ll find grief as your companion, which you may or may not welcome.

Chilean Earthquake

2010-03-02T12:37:00.003-05:00

The bereavement center's heart goes out to the victims, the families and everyone affected by the earthquake in Chile. International aid groups are bringing medical supplies and attention, food and communication tools to the millions of folks who have been displaced from the their homes or injured. If you are able, consider donating to a reputable organization such as Red Cross or Doctor's Without Borders.

Financial Side of Grief and Loss

2010-02-23T08:15:00.003-05:00

During the turmoil of grief, you may find yourself faced with having to make financial and legal decisions. While it may not seem fair, these affairs still need attention. The bereaved often ask us for help and assistance as they don’t know where to turn. Here are some tips:

Financial tasks that need to occur after a death are:

Securing benefits
Paying taxes
Changing ownership or title

Find these important documents:

Multiple copies of the death certificate
All insurance policies
Social Security numbers
Military discharge papers
Marriage certificates
Deceased’s will or estate plan
List of assets
Deceased’s most recent income tax return

Other people can assist you. Seek counsel from:

Benefits administrator from your loved ones’ job
Accountant or lawyer
Professional financial planner

We know this is a difficult time and financial details may be the last thing you want to think about. Please do not feel rushed to make any decisions and know that there is support and help for you.

Do Support Groups Help?

2010-02-11T13:08:00.003-05:00

Support groups help people through the process of coping with grief and loss. The emotional support and social networks can be an effective alternative to relying solely on family and friends. However, many people ask: Is a support group right for me? What's my commitment? Should I pick a six-week series or a monthly group? What will it be like when I go? Who will greet me? What if I don't know anybody? What if I don't have anything to share?

When asked what was helpful, group member's commented:

"I was just able to say how I felt."

"It was a safe place to share."

"The reading material that was handed out."

"Knowing it's okay to grieve."

"Being able to listen to others and realize they had similar feelings."

"Realizing that the various emotions, up or down, were O.K."o share."

The bereavement center offers both weekly and monthly groups. The weekly groups require registration and meet for 6-8 weeks. The monthly groups are open and on-going. All groups are free and open to the community. It's all about personal preference and what works best for you.

We offer a wide variety of groups to meet a wide variety of interest and needs.
For a complete and current listing, please click here for more information.
http://www.hospicewr.org/media/AG_SupportGroups_Spring101.pdf

When Men Grieve

2010-02-01T15:57:00.002-05:00

In our society, men are often the forgotten grievers. They are taught as young boys to "be strong" and that "men don't cry". Men are often silent, solitary grievers who immerse themselves in activity.

It is important to realize that, as no two people grieve the same, men and women also experience grief differently. Because of their different responses to grief, men are often misunderstood as expressing their grief in an unhealthy way or not grieving at all.

Thomas Golden, well-known grief counselor and author of Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing states, "While women typically express and share their grief and look to the past, most men won't verbalize their pain and often deny they are sad. They are also more likely to take action, such as setting up a trust fund or creating a memorial. The important thing is that the activity connects you with the pain. If it does, then it's a healing process."

Men often respond to support well when it is centered on an activity. They may be able to process their grief while engaging in a specific pursuit with others rather than trying to talk one on one. The activity facilitates the expression of feelings.

During difficult times in our lives, we develop skills that help us cope and which we draw upon in times of great sorrow. Our culture dictates the acceptable ways men and women are allowed to express their pain. Since our culture continues to view men who cry as taboo, they are raised to express pain differently. This understanding may help men move through their pain and use their special strengths to support them through their time of grief.

Please think about joining our Men's Grief Group which meets the first Wednesday of the month at 8:30 a.m. in the bereavement center.

Haiti Earthquake - coping with tragedy

2010-01-16T08:18:00.008-05:00

The earthquake in Haiti is a public tragedy. With considerable media coverage, it seems as if it happened or could have happened in our own backyard. It is the focus of national attention and mourning. For many Haitians life will never be the same. For some, life does not change and they will resume their lives as the tragedy recedes. For those immediately affected, they must cope with their losses and grief. Their world view may have changed. They may have increased fear and anxiety. They may experience a spiritual crisis. And political turmoil and unrest may be thrown into the mix.

Yet others will attempt to reconstruct a sense of order and rebuild. Some will be very resilient and experience considerable growth. They will go on with a renewed sense of purpose and meaning in their lives and their relationships.

Some of use may find ourselves glued to the TV staring in disbelief at the devastaion. Some of us may use distraction as a way to cope. We need to use the lessons learned from 911 and Katrina. Let us open our hearts and if we can , our pocketbooks to Haiti. It is something concrete we can do. We can send send prayers, money and love, but we should not take on their suffering. It will not help the people of Haiti heal.

2010 - a new year

2010-01-11T10:47:00.003-05:00

Winter days in Ohio can feel dark, very cold and gloomy. This can take a toll on our general outlook. For those of us who are grieving, these feelings can be overwhelming.

We may think to ourselves, “I’m not sure where to begin. It seems like nothing will ever get better.” Helping ourselves when we feel overloaded can become a huge task. Here are some ideas that may help you as you work your way through grief.

CARING---Allow yourself to accept expressions of caring from others even though they might be uneasy and awkward. Support groups may be beneficial to you.

GOALS----For a while, it may seem that much of life is without meaning. At times like these, there are two seemingly contradictory rules of thumb: "live one day at a time," and "small goals can help." If you try to plan something to look forward to -- like a movie, going to lunch with a friend or a small trip next month -- it helps you get through the immediate future.

HOPE----You may find comfort and hope from those who have experienced a similar loss. They can describe some things that have helped them. The realization that they have recovered and that time does help, can give you hope that sometime in the future your grief will be less raw and painful.

RELAXATION---REST---EXERCISE----Take care of yourself. You may need extra amounts of things you needed before. Afternoon naps, hot baths, a trip, a “cause” to work for to help others may give you a lift.

SECURITY----Try to reduce or find help for stresses in your life. Allow yourself to be close to those you trust. Getting back into a routine helps. Remember to do things at your own pace.

SMALL PLEASURES----Do not underestimate the healing effects of small pleasures. A walk, reading a book or magazine, preparing a favorite food all are small steps toward regaining your pleasure in life itself.

TIME----Take time to be alone. And, take time to be with others whom you trust and who will listen when you need to talk. Allow time for the feelings that accompany grief and time to understand those feelings.

Remember that we are here with comfort, hope and healing.

How to support a grieving friend...

2009-12-29T11:33:00.002-05:00

Many of the callers into the bereavement center ask what they can say or do to support a friend who is grieving the death of a loved. Here is a list we've compiled.

Your presence is the most valuable thing you can give.
Sit near your grieving friend. Hold their hand, give a hug, pass a tissue, cry with them, and listen to them.
Do not struggle with finding the “right” words to say. A simple “I’m sorry” is enough.
Give private time to your friend, but never let them feel like they are alone. Feeling alone increases feelings of emptiness and despair.
If you do not know what to do, ask yourself, “What would I like done for me under these circumstances?”
Directly ask your friend what s/he needs.
Talk if your friend wants to talk. Keep silent if your friend prefers silence.
Focus on giving rather than receiving. Grieving persons need much help and rarely have much to give in return.
Bring food to the home. Help with household chores.
If you are unable to tolerate extremely painful mourning, help from afar. Offer to help with chores or running errands. Do not tell a grieving friend not to cry because you are not able to bear it. Weeping is essential.
Share your own grieving experiences but use good judgment. Only share that which will offer hope and survival.
Include grieving friends in social invitations. Allow them to freely accept or refuse.
Use good judgment in how long to visit. Grieving friends will be grateful you are there, but not comfortable asking you to leave.
Acknowledge the loss. This can be said simply and directly or send a note, flowers, or a donations to charities in their name.
Sharing spiritual beliefs that are uplifting can give great support. Do not push your beliefs on your grieving friend. Praying together can create a sense of unity.
Do not withdraw support too quickly after the funeral. This could create another sense of loss.

If your grieving friend does not seem to be recovering or is taking an inordinately long time grieving, it is appropriate for someone to suggest that your friend consult a professional counselor. Everyone is different even though there are similar needs.

Death of an adult child

2009-12-21T14:23:00.001-05:00

This week, the world is reeling from the sudden deaths of Cincinnati Bengals player Chris Henry and actress Brittany Murphy. At 26 and 32 respectively, their families, especially their parents, are experiencing an especially difficult loss.

The death of an adult child is an overwhelming experience to parents. Parents are never fully prepared to have their child die before them. The grief is intense and complex.

When an adult child dies, the parent’s grief is often disenfranchised or discounted. Others may assume that if the child was an adult, the grief is less. If the death was sudden or from an illness, parents are told they should be grateful that the child lived as long as he or she did.

Adult children often become friends with their parents and so when an adult child dies, the parent also has lost a friend.

When parents are caring for their adult children who have a physical or mental illness, caregiving may become the central focus of their lives. When the child dies, the parents also mourn the loss of this role.

What you can do:

Be gentle with yourself.
Share your feelings – with family, friends, your faith community.
Journal
Do something to honor the memory of your adult child – this can be private and personal or more public.
Join a support group.
http://208.206.15.235/uploads/pdf/SupportGroups_Winter09.pdf)
Seek professional help.
http://www.hospicewr.org/template.asp?id=76

Please remember that we are here with comfort, hope and healing.

Holiday Thoughts

2009-11-27T14:20:00.005-05:00

It has been some time since my last post. The summer and fall brought many changes to staff in the bereavement. There have been babies and illness, yet we have continued to offer an amazing array of programs and services.

And now we are jumping into the holiday season. This can be a very difficult time for those grieving a recent loss as well as a death that occured years ago. We hope that you find comfort in the memories you can cherish forever.

We have a number of holiday events coming up. Please join us.

Hope for the Holidays
An adult bereavement group providing techniques, dialog and support for those grieving through the holiday season. Registration is required.

Ashtabula
Thursday, Dec. 3, 6:30 to 8:00 p.m.
Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

Mentor
Thursday, Dec. 10, 6:00 to 7:30pm
Lisa Florjancic (216) 383-3737 ext. 3041

Holiday Family Night
These evenings include creative activities to honor and commemorate the loved one that died.

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center
Wednesday, Dec 9, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.
To register call Felicia Dunlop-Stanley (216) 486-6335

Ashtabula Office
Tuesday, Dec 15, 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.
To register call Mary McKernan-Gryzmala (440) 997-6619

Memory Wreaths
Decorate a grapevine wreath, symbolizing unbroken
life and love, with personal symbols, as well as wishes,
memories and prayers.

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center
Tuesday, Dec. 8, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

St. John West Shore Community Outreach Center
29160 Center Ridge Rd., Suite R
Tuesday, Dec. 15, 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.

Why do we grieve the death of celebrities?

2009-07-09T14:52:00.000-04:00

Recently there have been multiple celebrity deaths. Television, radio and the magazine stands at the grocery store are filled with stories and pictures of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, David Carradine and Steve McNair. These celebrities, while we do not know them personally, have become our friends. In some ways we know these people intimately. Many people grew up to Michael Jackson’s music and videos and watching Farrah in “Charlie’s Angels” and David in “Kung Fu.” Ed McMahon could come knocking at your front door with a million dollar check anytime and tucked you into bed with The Tonight Show. These celebrities have been in our lives and in our homes for decades.

When death is unexpected, as with Jackson’s death, there is a public outpouring of grief. The same thing happened when John Lennon died. And Jackson was young. We’re not supposed to die at 50.

Everyone’s grief reaction is unique. Some may be able to quickly acknowledge the death and move on while others attend vigils and grieve in the community with fans. There is no right or wrong grief reaction. We all grieve in our own way.

If you find comfort being with others who are outwardly grieving these deaths, be with them. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry. If surrounding yourself with their music or work is comforting, do that. If the constant reminders via the media are taking a toll, turn them off. Do what works for you and be kind to yourself.

Camp Healing Hearts

2009-06-10T12:53:00.002-04:00

We are busy getting ready for our Adult Retreat this weekend. The Bereavement Center is teaming up with Common Ground in Lorain County which is where this event will be held. The retreat provides the opportunity for adults to share with other adults who are grieving. Art therapy, nature and times for reflection and support will be the activities for day.

The Chronicle-Telegram – Elyria, OH provided some press for this retreat...

For one day, grief doesn’t have to be such a lonely journey. Adults who have experienced the loss of a loved one can feel the healing embrace of Camp Healing Hearts, the first grief camp in Lorain County.http://chronicle.northcoastnow.com/2009/06/08/unique-camp-to-help-grief-stricken/

Greetings!

2009-06-02T14:47:00.003-04:00

Summer is around the corner and we are busy getting ready for camps, classes and summer events.

Together We Can, our 3-day bereavement day camp for children, ages 6-12 who have experienced the death of a loved one, will be held at Red Oak Camp in Kirtland, OH http://208.206.15.235/uploads/pdf/TWCCamp09_Flyer_BLUE.pdf
This will be our eleventh year of having approximately 40 campers sharing laughter and tears as they remember and honor their loved one that died.

On July 14th, from 1:00-4:15, we will be offering a 3-hour CE course on Children and Adolescent Grief. This popular course is usually offered during the winter and spring, but we wanted to offer it a time that would be most helpful to teachers. Here is the synopsis:

The grief reactions of children and adolescents can seem complex to many adults. This class will review the specific developmental grief reactions of children and teens. A review of appropriate literature and helpful interventions is included. Finally, participants will apply this knowledge through experiential activities and interactive discussion of film clips.

Guide to Designing a Remembrance Garden

2009-05-06T15:04:00.002-04:00

Summertime provides us with an opportunity to spend time outdoors. While grieving the death of your loved one, you may want to consider a gardening project. Working with the earth is a great way to connect with nature, expend energy in a positive way, and create something beautiful. A remembrance garden is a wonderful tribute for a deceased loved one. It’s an undertaking that can be done individually or by the whole family. The garden becomes a quiet relaxing retreat, a space for reflection and remembering.

· Determine your budget. This will determine the size and type of garden decors. It can be as small as one tree or as big as a baseball field.

· Choose plants that are suited for your area. If your area is shady, pick plants that are hardy in the shade. Your local gardening/landscape supplier will be helpful in selecting appropriate plants.

· Choose plants that have special meaning to your loved one or that have scents that evoke memories.

· A wooden bench or chair strategically placed provides the visitor a place for reflection and comfort.

· Purchase large river rocks that could be inscribed with your loved one’s name or hand make stepping stones that honor the deceased.

· If your garden is in a sunny location, consider an arbor covered with plants to provide some shade for the visitor.

· Water fountains help create a serene, relaxing and calming atmosphere. There are many to choose from and vary in shape, materials and sizes.

Visit your remembrance garden often and maintain it with pride.

Here is a link to one of our client's remembrance garden:
http://www.news-herald.com/articles/2009/05/04/news/nh792617.txt

Greetings!

2009-04-14T14:44:00.002-04:00

I apologize for my delay in posts but I had an unexpected absence from work and returned to a very busy time in The Bereavement Center. We are currently gearing up for the 16th Annual National Hospice Foundation of America's teleconference. This year the presentation, Diversity and End-of-Life Care, will examine how diversity influences end-of-life decision making and the impact of that culture has at the team of death and during bereavement. The teleconference takes place Wednesday, April 29th, from 1:30 t0 4:00 p.m. CEs are available.

The Geauga Bereavement Team is presenting Working with the Coroner's Office on Wednesday, April 22nd, from 8:00 - 10:30 a.m. CEs are available.

We hope that you will join us! For more information on these or our Walking through Grief series, please contact us at thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org.

To Group or Not to Group

2009-02-24T10:09:00.002-05:00

Here is an article by one of our Bereavement Coordinators, Judith Beckman, MA, LSW.
We encourage your comments>

“Finally, I am with people who really understand. No one knows what it is like to lose a child (spouse, parent…). Now I know that I'm not the only one.” These are among many sentiments expressed by people who have attended grief support groups. Groups allow us to lean into the pain as opposed to avoiding it, while at the same time we experience support and caring from people who are suffering from similar loss.

There are numerous grief support groups throughout the community. There are general grief groups as well as groups for specific types of loss. Some groups are open-ended and run continuously, meeting once or twice a month. Others may meet weekly and are time limited. Most grief support groups are run by facilitators whose primary role is to help the participants stay on task and to make the group a “safe” arena to share feelings and stories. Depending on the group, facilitators may also help to educate members on the grieving process and various coping skills.

If you have never attended a similar group before, it can be a difficult decision to decide whether or not to participate in one. Perhaps the first question to ask yourself is: What are my expectations? If you are expecting a “magic” answer that will resolve your grief and make pain disappear, you may need to talk this over with a bereavement coordinator or grief counselor before you attend. Group work, like any other grief work, cannot “fix” the grief. Groups can provide a non-judgmental place to share thoughts and feelings with others who are experiencing loss. Members have reported that they feel “less alone” and that being in a group has helped to normalize the grieving process.

While members are encouraged to share as they see fit, silence is also respected. There are no rules about talking in the group. For some, listening to others is as healing as sharing one’s own story.

Once you have made the decision to join a group, most experienced group members recommend that you attend a few sessions before you decide to stop coming. While there are no hard and fast rules for this, it is important to remember that for many first time attendees, there will be a high degree of anxiety. By allowing yourself to come to more than one meeting, you give yourself an opportunity to see if group work can aid in your grieving process.

Group work can be challenging and intense. However, many members report that the experience is rewarding and immensely supportive.

If you are thinking abut joining a group and would like more information please contact us at The Bereavement Center.

Healing Arts Workshops

2009-01-23T11:27:00.007-05:00

Greetings -

We are happy to announce our new Art Therapist, Desiree Benedict, MA , AT. She has been an art therapist at Hospice of the Western Reserve working with patients and families at end-of-life and will now divide her time between hospice patients and the bereaved. Her next workshop is Healing Our Hearts. Using felt and other fabrics, participants will create a small heart-shaped "pillow" that is sewn together with love, mended with hope and stuffed with thoughts , memories and prayers. No sewing experience is necessary. The heart in the photo was created by a client in a previous workshop. Healing Our Hearts will be offered at four of our sites in the month of February. Please contact us for specifics!

We hope to see you there.

Walking Through Grief...

2009-01-07T08:29:00.003-05:00

Greetings and Happy New Year!
It's been a little while since my last post. December was eventful at the bereavement center. There were many presentations on coping with the holidays and many memory wreath making events. Clients found comfort and support with their counselors and our support groups as they moved through this difficult month.

We are so excited to be offering our second Walking Through Grief: a bereavement specialty program starting next week. Our first series was met with great success. This certificate program is designed to educate and train professionals and paraprofessionals to work with those who are grieving. The focus is on grief that accompanies a death; however the physical, psychological, spiritual and emotional responses are often the same for any loss experience.

This program begins with an understanding of normal grief reactions and interventions. It enables the participants to gain knowledge, skill and confidence to support bereaved individuals and groups in various situations, as well as to provide the appropriate services and referrals.

Courses included in the series are Introduction to Grief, Loss and Bereavement, Anticipatory Grief, Complicated Grief, and Sudden Death, Grief and the Older Adult, Death and Spirituality, Contemporary Views of Grief, and Cultural Sensitivity and Grief. Participants can pick and choose what they would like to attend. Sessions are three hours in length and Continuing Educations credits are provided through The Hospice Institute for each session.

For more information or to register email thebereavementcenter@hospicewr.org or complete the registration form - http://www.hospicewr.org/uploads/pdf/WALKING%20THROUGH%20GRIEF%20REG%20BEG%20JAN%2009.pdf.

Hope to see you there.

Personal Holiday Plan

2008-12-11T11:54:00.004-05:00

As a greiving individual, it is helpful to approach the holidays wiht a personal plan. Here is an outline to help you get started.

I predict that the most difficult parts of the holiday season for me will be:
1.
2.

My support people (those who can hear my grief) are:
1.
2.

The most difficult people to be with might be:
1.
2.

My grief triggers might be:
1.
2.

Words that would be helpful for me to hear would be:
1.
2.

Last year (or years), prior to my loss, I celebrated the holidays by:

This year I want to include the following traditions in my holiday:

We are here wiith comfort, hope and healing in the new year.

Grieving Through the Holidays

2008-12-02T15:11:00.000-05:00

‘Tis the season! We have come upon the annual blitz of the holiday season. For many, this acts as our internal cue to begin to “get into the holiday spirit.” For many others, this can act as a grief trigger, which can make the holiday season a very difficult time. We may be personally grieving a loss, or we may know of a friend or family member who is grieving at this time. The following are some ways in which we can be supportive to a friend or family member who is grieving through the holidays.

Separate the wants from the shoulds. Encourage the bereaved to separate how he/she would like to celebrate the holiday season from how others feel they should be celebrated.

Plan ahead. Decide how you would like to spend the holidays this year in order to reduce the anxiety of its anticipation. With whom would you like to spend the holidays? Where would you like to hold the holiday dinner?

Support systems. Surround yourself with those who are supportive and understanding of your grief. Avoid those people who will place expectations on your feelings and your grief.

Communicate. Convey your needs with family and friends. Honestly share with them how you would like to spend the holidays this year.

Lower expectations. Encourage the bereaved to lower expectations about actively participating in the holiday season, and allow him/her to feel the pain of grief.

Reduce commitments. Limit the number of social engagements to which you commit. Choose only those that you are comfortable attending, if any. Also understand that your energy level may be very low at this time. Take time to rest.

Start a new tradition. Begin a new tradition within your family. This could be something which honors the deceased, as well as allows for new traditions.

Honor the deceased. Buy a gift for the deceased; visit the cemetery; light a candle in his/her honor; share stories about the deceased; reminisce about past holiday celebrations. Include the deceased in your holiday plans, because the reality is that he/she will probably be on your mind.

Shopping and baking. Allow someone else to do the shopping and baking for you this year, or have a friend share in these activities with you. Utilize catalogs or the internet to do your shopping. This will reduce the commercial blitz often feel when shopping in stores/malls. You can certainly opt to skip the shopping and baking for this year!

Support groups. Many places of worship, hospitals and other organizations offer programs to cope with the holiday season. Think about attending such a group, and allow yourself to feel the support of others who are grieving a loss.

Overall, it is important to remember that we need to be gentle with ourselves during this time. Each one of us will handle the holidays in a different fashion, therefore listen to your inner cues and do what works best for you.

November is National Hospice Month

2008-11-24T12:11:00.002-05:00

November is National Hospice/Palliative Care Month and in honor of this time of expanded awareness, the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization released updated facts and figures about hospice care in the U.S.
Statistics Indicate GrowthAnnually, NHPCO reports on hospice trends and provides updated information on the field. Newly released data reflecting 2007 usage of hospice, indicates that:

38.8 percent of all deaths in the U.S. were under the care of hospice, up from 35 percent the previous year.
1.4 million people with a life-limiting illness received care from the nation’s 4,700 hospice providers.
Average length of service increased to 67.4 days (from 59.8 days in 2006).
30.8 percent of those served by hospice died or were discharged in seven days or less.
13.1 percent of those served died or were discharged in 180 days or more.
For more information go to http://www.nhpco.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=5763.

The Bereavement Center is a program of Hospice of the Western Reserve - who's mission is to provide palliative end-of-life care, caregiver support, and bereavement services throughout Northern Ohio.

We are proud to be a part of Hospice of the Western Reserve and thank all employees for their signifcant contribution to so many lives.

Veteran's Day

2008-11-10T15:58:00.001-05:00

This Veterans Day, many Northeast Ohio families will remember those soldiers who died while serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Special circumstances affect the grieving process for the families of these brave soldiers. Often shock and anger accompany grief, making support systems vital for moving through the healing process.

Counseling services available through the Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center at Hospice of the Western Reserve can help families cope with the death of their loved one. In addition to seeking guidance from professionals and support groups, it is important for families to remember a few things as they grieve a soldier killed in combat.

· Give yourself permission to feel the pain and share these feelings with others.
· Don't feel the need to fight reoccurring thoughts, dreams or flashbacks; they are normal and will decrease overtime and become less painful.
· Maintain as normal a schedule as possible (as impossible as it seems); structure your time.
· Follow the basics for good health (even when you don’t feel like it) – rest, eat well, exercise.
· Reduce other stressors as much as possible - make to do lists, be patient with yourself when you can’t find your keys, limit distractions that might interfere with concentration.
· Be aware of numbing the pain with overuse of drugs or alcohol; go easy on caffeine.

Military Grief Support Information

Dougy Center for Grieving Children and families
Grief support
www.dougy.org

Fallen Patriot Fund
Provides grants to families of those killed or injured in Iraq
www.fallenpatriotfund.org

Gold Star Wives of America
Military widows organization
www.goldstarwives.org

Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund
Provides grants to families of slain U.S. soldiers
www.fallenheroesfund.org

Readjustment Counseling Service Vet Center
Offers bereavement counseling
www.va.gov/rcs

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)
Provides services to those who have lost a loved one while serving in the US military
www.taps.org

Coping with the Trauma of Sudden Death

2008-11-03T14:45:00.001-05:00

The inconceivable happens - a special person dies in an unexpected and traumatic way. This may be a family member, a co-worker, a friend, or the neighbor down the street…The cause can be murder, suicide, car accident, natural or man made disasters or combat.

Things that Help
The signs and symptoms of a stress reaction may last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or longer, depending on the severity of the traumatic death. The understanding and support of family and friends can help the stress reactions pass more quickly. There are a number of things that can help during this very difficult time.

· Maintain as normal a schedule as possible (as impossible as it seems); structure your time
· Follow the basics for good health (even when you don’t feel like it) – rest, eat well, exercise
· Reduce other stressors as much as possible - make to do lists, be patient with yourself when you can’t find your keys, limit distractions that might interfere with concentration
· Be aware of numbing the pain with overuse of drugs or alcohol; go easy on caffeine
· Talk to people – reach out, spend time with others
· Do things that feel good to you – take a walk, listen to music, keep a feelings journal, etc.
· Give yourself permission to feel the pain and share these feelings with others
· Don't feel the need to fight reoccurring thoughts, dreams or flashbacks; they are normal and will decrease overtime and become less painful

S.T.A.R.S...grief support for children and adolescents

2008-10-22T08:25:00.005-04:00

Now that we have completed NEOEA day training for schools, we are instilling new energy in our S.T.A.R.S support groups for children. S.T.A.R.S (Supporting Tears, Anger, Remembrance and Sadness) if offered both in the schools and the in community. For our six-week community S.T.A.R.S, while the children are meeting, there is an adult support group to assist family members in dealing with their own grief. In the schools, we tailor and modify the curriculum so that it is developmentally appropriate for pre-school through high school. There is no parent component and the groups usually last 8 weeks.

The goals of S.T.A.R.S include:

Coping with Feelings

Support for Remembering Loved Ones

Peer Support

One of the comments I remember the most is when a nine year said to me, "I am so relieved. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know there are others just like me."

Busy, busy, busy...

2008-10-14T15:05:00.004-04:00

The autumn has been extremely busy in the bereavement center. We have been planning and completing numerous presentations for the Greater Cleveland community. Our Walking Through Grief: a bereavement certificate program has proven to be highly successful. We will offer Level II in the winter. Particpants have been singing praises of the courses and the expertise of the instructors. This Friday, we will presenting to teachers throughout the five-county area on Facing Death: Grief and Loss at School. In addition, I'll be presenting When a cancer related death touches a school to another group. During the midst of all this prep work and presentations, we have had numerous crisis response in the schools. The stories touch our hearts and range from suicide and homicide to previous medical conditions to sudden death. The schools have responded swiftly and responsibly and have utilized our resources appropriately. We are grateful that we are able to provide these services.

Pet Grief

2008-10-07T11:27:00.001-04:00

The love relationship between a child and pet has many qualities. Children and teens enjoy their pets: they take charge of them, hold, feed, clean up after, and claim their pet as their own. A dog becomes a tireless playmate eager to chase and wrestle. A usually grouchy teen can find comfort in a purring/petting session with the usually aloof family cat.

The life span of most pets is relatively short and children face the loss of a pet at some point. When a pet dies, parents usually expect a child or teen to be upset about the death, but not the intensity of the grief reactions. Sometimes the death of a relative may seem distant to the child. However, the death of a pet is of the child’s world, and children feel and show that their heart is breaking.

A helpful family member can prepare a child by teaching death awareness throughout the child’s life. When an animal declines with age or illness or must be euthanized, death can be anticipated and talked about. It is important to talk directly to children about euthanasia and not use terms like “put to sleep” that might confuse children or cause anxiety. This talking together can bring comfort when the pet finally dies and the feelings are intense. An accidental death is always hard. It is crisis that often requires action and decisions on many levels and in turn colors the grief responses.

Create a family atmosphere that losses can be felt and talked about. Help children resist an impulse to replace the pet too quickly. Children need to know that grief takes time and the dead pet has a special place in their lives that will live on. Sometimes not all family members agree with this, but hopefully a compromise can be reached.

A modest memorial for your pet can take on the unique features of your pet and your family. It is especially helpful when the memorial activity is geared to the developmental age of the children, represents what was “special” about the pet, and reflects family traditions and history. With pets as with people, poems, pictures, music, hugs, laughter, memories and tears help your special relationship with your pet live on.

Web Memorials

2008-09-26T09:05:00.002-04:00

We recieve many calls asking about web memorials. Here is some information that we share with our bereaved clients.

Web memorials are personalized websites that allow the bereaved to create individual memorials to their deceased love ones, to visit the site and demonstrate affection.

To create a web memorial search, do an internet search and review a number of sites. Each is unique. Consider these factors when choosing a site: price, permanence, options for individualized memorials, and the community in which the memorial is housed.

Benefits of web memorials:
Emotional Expression
Personalization
Demonstration of continuing bonds
Shared grieving
Community support

A bit of caution:
Limited research – There has been limited research on the benefits of web memorials.
Permanence – Some websites become obsolete and vanish. Some websites will maintain your memorial for limited periods of time.
Strangers – Many times, strangers will post letters of condolence. They may have hidden agendas and negative intentions.
Unintended memorials – There is a difference from posting condolences on MySpace versus web memorials. The web memorial is controlled by the bereaved.

Hope this helps.

Education and Training

2008-09-22T09:21:00.003-04:00

The fall has been a very busy time for education and training. Walking Through Grief: A bereavement certificate program is off to a good start. Tomorrow is the second of eight sessions. Dr. Bob Ballantine will be the instructor on Anticipatory Grief. The greater Cleveland community has made numerous requests. Last week, I presented to 60 older adults on grief and loss. The Hospice Institute featured a day long conference on Geriatrics: The Next Chapter to over 200 professionals. This week I well be presenting on the Impact of Grief in the Workplace in Lakewood. Next month we will be presenting multiple presentations throughout the community on Children and Adolescent Grief and Traumatic Grief. Attached are links to two presentations open to the community. If you are interested in having a presentation for your organization or workplace, please contact us.
http://www.hospicewr.org/uploads/pdf/programs/Registration%20Educational%20Certificate%20Program.pdf
http://www.hospicewr.org/uploads/pdf/programs/NEOEA%20DAY%20AGENDA%202008.pdf

TEEN GRIEF

2008-09-18T08:46:00.001-04:00

During grief, teens experience all kinds of emotions. They may be overwhelming, frightening, and intense: they may feel out of control.

The variety of grief reactions is endless and includes physical, behavioral, emotional/social, intellectual/cognitive and spiritual reactions.

Here are some tips for teens coping with grief:

Shock, disbelief: Talk, talk, talk. Grief needs to become real before you can go on with the mourning process. Avoiding the pain is not possible.
Denial: Understand that you cannot escape from grief. So talk about your pain.
Anger: You have every right to be angry. But you don’t have a right to take out that anger on others - or on yourself. If you feeling angry, try shooting hoops, walking, listening to music, journaling.
Guilt and regrets: If only I hadn’t said… I wish I had… Give yourself a break. When someone dies we often second-guess ourselves, but the truth is that awful things happen and there is little we can do about that.
Fears, worries: It’s difficult not to worry that something will happen to someone else you love or to you. Try to identify what your worries are. Then, talk to someone about those worries. Is anything in your control? If so, take a responsible action. If not, try some relaxation.
Inability to sleep: Rest, rest, rest. Grief is draining.
Inability to eat: Watch yourself. Grief can sometimes make you “forget” to eat or have not cares about what you are eating. Try to sit down at mealtime and eat.
Inability to remember: You forgot about the paper that’s due? You locked your keys in the car? Write things down. Organize for the next day the night before. Have friends call with reminders about assignments.
Inability to concentrate: How can you focus when your mind is wandering? Allow more time to do homework. Talk to your teachers. Be extra careful when doing any task that requires your complete attention, ESPECIALLY driving

Crisis Response

2008-09-15T12:33:00.003-04:00

The school year has been off to a busy start with crisis response. There was a teen death last week in Ashtabula county and two teen deaths over the weekend in a Cuyahoga county school. Our team is able to mobilize quickly and get out to the school to help disseminate information in a systematic way as well as provide support and comfort to the staff and students. The day usually starts out with strategic planning with school personnel which is followed by large and small group interventions. We provide literature, art materials and most importantly, grief counselors who have had numerous experiences with crises and can remain the calm in the storm. We then follow up with school and provide on-going support and interventions as needed. Last year, we provided over 40 crisis response. Although these experiences are exhausting for staff and students, it is always so rewarding to learn from the students. They work hard and are truly amazing.

School Services Program

2008-09-08T15:56:00.002-04:00

We are very excited to introduce Megan Davis, LISW-S, as our new school liaison. Prior to coming on board , Megan worked as a Social Worker on one of our hospice home care teams. Prior to that she had worked as a school Social Worker. Megan joined us as a counselor at camp and is getting her feet wet learning all the intricacies of the position. Today we sent out Partners in Grief, our school E-Newsletter. http://208.206.15.235/uploads/pdf/PartnersInGrief_Fall08_7%2030%2008.pdf
Please feel free to contact Megan with any grief related concerns. Here is a description of our school program.
http://208.206.15.235/uploads/pdf/SchoolGrief_Flyer_8%2031%2007.pdf

Greetings!

2008-09-03T15:34:00.004-04:00

It's been a few weeks since the last blog. Our 3 day grief camp was a great success and afterwards, I took some time off. During that time and since the creation of this blog, I have had several conversations on how to improve the blog, reach more readers and meet the needs of our readers. It is my intention to post twice a week and I invite you to respond.

There have been many events happening in the bereavement center. Last week, we had our first advisory council. The advisory council is made of up community members who may or may not have utilized our services. There are mental health professionals, funeral directors, estate planners, bereaved, volunteers, fire and safety personnel, school professionals, etc. The purpose is for the council to make suggestions on ways to improve the bereavement center and reach the community. It is the responsibility of the bereavement center to act on these ideas. In the first meeting, we provided a general overview of the center and it's services. Council members made multiple concrete suggestions on ways to collaborate with others and reach out to underserved areas. An action plan will follow. One idea was to send our About Grief newsletter that we send to our hospice bereaved families to our school data base and to everyone we know on-line. I am posting here for you to look at. http://208.206.15.235/uploads/pdf/AboutGrief_Fall08.pdf

Look forward to more frequent postings and updates on the advisory council.

Bereavement Camp

2008-08-15T13:59:00.004-04:00

The third and final day of the tenth Together We Can camp finished yesterday as 36 campers hiked down to the lake to the heartbeat of a buffalo drum. The campers wrote a message to their loved one on rice paper which was then tied with hemp to a carnation (all biodegradable). Most campers were able to toss their carnations into the lake as they honored their special person who died. A few just threw in the stem or the flower, or just the message. It was touching as repeat campers who were unable to throw their flower last year were able to do so this year. The three days were filled with profound moments as the campers learned to express their grief, identify coping strategies and supports and find ways to honor and celebrate their loved one. Counselors and staff, both paid and unpaid, were moved. Many thanks go to the Red Oak Staff in helping facilitate our recreational activities of swimming, canoeing and rockclimbing. In the next few weeks, I will post pictures of our grief camp.

Camp training

2008-07-31T14:23:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, Together We Can camp training was held at Red Oak Camp for 25 dedicated counselors. These camp counselors are both paid and unpaid staff. Many took time out of their busy day to attend the training. Training is mandatory every year for counselors. In addition to reviewing grief and loss issues for children, active listening tips and professional behavior, the counselors practiced the camp song and learned how to facilitate the therapeutic activities. Each group of campers is led by an experienced grief counselor, but all the camp counselors play an important role in building a safe and fun environment. After a muggy and buggy tour of the campgrounds, we enjoyed a delightful meal prepared by Kandi, the camp cook. We are so excited and ready to meet our 41 registered campers!

Together We Can camp

2008-07-21T13:22:00.004-04:00

The Bereavement Center staff has been busy getting ready for this year's camp. Forty campers have already registered. We have exciting new projects for the campers and will allow time for swimming, hiking, canoeing, rock climbing and archery. Hopefully the weather will cooperate!

These pictures show last years masks and

one of our human knots. Our therapeutic

interventions are designed to

facilitate the expression of feelings

and problem solving.

The camp provides a great forum for children to be with other children who are grieving and to know they are not alone. In addition to learning how to manage the big feelings of grief, the campers find ways to honor their deceased loved one.

Walking Through Grief: A Bereavement Specialty Program

2008-07-11T10:45:00.005-04:00

http://www.hospicewr.org/uploads/pdf/programs/Educational%20Certificate%20Program.pdf

For the past several years, The Bereavement Center has received numerous calls requesting training in grief and loss. We are very happy to announce our new certificate program beginning in September 2008.

This certificate program is to educate and train professionals and paraprofessionals to work with those who are grieving. The focus will be on grief that accompanies a death; however the physical, psychological, spiritual and emotional responses are often the same for any loss experience.

This program begins with an understanding of normal grief reactions and interventions. It enables the participants to gain knowledge, skill and confidence to support bereaved individuals and groups in various situations, as well as to provide the appropriate services and referrals.

The goal of the program is to support the bereavement process and supplement the education of professionals with specific knowledge in the field of grief and loss.

Classes will be held Tuesdays - 5:45 to 9:00 p.m. in our Villaview location. CEs are provided.

For more information and the complete course desription, please visit our website at hospicewr.org.

Drumming By The Lake

2008-07-09T13:17:00.005-04:00

Relieve stress and express yourself through rhythm using various drums and other rhythm instruments. No musical experience is needed. Registration is required.

Tuesday, October 14th, 7:00-8:00 p.m.

Hospice of the Western Reserve

300 East 185th Street

Cleveland, Ohio

S. Maxwell 216.383.3780

Drum Circle at Hospice House

2008-07-03T14:51:00.005-04:00

Last month, The Bereavement Center had it's first drum circle for grieving adults at our Hospice House location. Originally it was scheduled to be lake side, but weather conditions led the group indoors. Sarah Maxwell, Board Certified Music Therapist expertly led a group of adults who were grieving the death of a loved one through a series of drumming experiences culminating in a invigorating and stress relieving drum circle. Drum circles are a wonderful way to bring people together in the spirit of community and support. We are looking forward to planning our next circle Please consider joining us. No musical experience is needed!

Grief and the Older Adult

2008-06-17T15:19:00.002-04:00

Older adults experience grief much the same as younger and middle-aged adults. However, due to their age and life experience, many factors impact their grief reaction.

Older adults often experience several losses within a short period of time. They may have a dwindling roster of family and friends and may be grieving any number of losses at the same time. In addition, older adults who experience spousal death may also lose their financial security, their best friend, other social contacts and supports.

The natural process of aging involves many losses. These include, but are not limited to, loss of physical strength and endurance, independence, mobility, youth and beauty, the home, and purpose. If the older adult has a debilitating disease, there are losses associated with the disease progression. Older adults are more likely to become physically ill after a loved one dies. It is important that the bereaved older adult maintain contact with their healthcare providers.

Older adults often lack the support systems they had in their younger years. After the funeral, family members return to their own lives, leaving the bereaved older adult feeling very alone.

Many older adults suffer from untreated depression. Depression can occur with other medical illnesses. Healthcare professionals often mistakenly conclude that depression is a normal result of these illnesses as do the elderly. Additionally, some people believe that depression is a normal part of aging. Depression is not normal for people of any age. A comprehensive assessment can aid in determining if the older adult is becoming depressed and recommend treatment.

How can you support an older adult who is grieving?

Older adults may need more time to become aware of and express their feelings. Giving an older adult extra time shows empathy, compassion and respect.

Older adults may need more time to become aware of and express their feelings. Giving an older adult extra time shows empathy, compassion and respect.

You may need to point out signs of changes in behavior and sadness. This will help the older adult become more aware of their feelings and will help them more readily talk about them.

Older adults who are isolated can benefit from the company of others. Spend time with them.

Give the gift of presence.

Talk about the deceased. Encourage the older adult to share memories. Telling the stories is part of the healing process.

Since many older adults have experienced multiple losses, encourage them to talk about each loss separately. This helps the person feel less overwhelmed and better able to cope with the strong feelings of grief.

Be aware of the signs of complicated grief and depression. If you have concerns, encourage the older adult to consult a healthcare provider.

Crisis Response Activities

2008-05-29T15:23:00.006-04:00

http://208.206.15.235/uploads/pdf/SchoolGrief_Flyer_8%2031%2007.pdf

In the 2007-2008 school year, The Bereavement Center made forty death related-crisis response calls, the majority of which occured in schools. With our large staff of trained grief counselors, hospice bereavement specialists and expressive therapists, we are able to respond to crisis quickly. We have crisis response kits at all of our offices so that staff can quickly access needed materials and move into the schools. Our crisis responders often work in collaboration with the other mental health agencies present. The difference in our service is that we continue to provide intervention to the schools in the days and weeks following the crisis. While it is important to return to school routines, that can be difficult. There are times when a grief reaction or a trauma reaction is triggered that requires attention. We are able to return to the school and offer interventions to the class or to the deceased's inner circle of friends. Our eight week support group S.T.A.R.S (Supporting Tears, Anger, Remembrance and Sadness) is also available. In addition, we work with the teachers and school staff as their grief is often overlooked. Crises in the school cause an upheaval of emotions and routine. We are able to respond with comfort and support.

Peaceful and Proud - personalized care for veterans

2008-05-29T14:40:00.001-04:00

Hospice of the Western Reserve's Peaceful and Proud initiative is about honoring patients who are veterans. The Peaceful and Proud committee recently brought in Deborah Grassman, ARNP, MSN, Hospice Program Coordinator at the Bay Pines VA in St. Peterburg, Florida and Dr. James Banks, Professor Emeritus at Cuyahoga Community College and founder/director of the Crile Archives for a free educational program. Ms. Grassman spoke on Wounded Warriors: Their Last Battle and described the emotional, social, spiritual and moral injuries sustained by veterans on how these impact end-of-life care. Dr. Banks talked about the unique historical dimensions of WWII, the Korean Conflict and the Vietnam War. This education is helping staff meet the diverse needs of veterans—whether that be post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, remorse/regret, or the need to tell their war stories. I found both lectures extremely helpful. I am now very cognizant of thanking veterans for serving our country, welcoming them home and apologizing as appropriate.

Healing Arts Workshop - Clay Vessels

2008-05-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

Healing Arts Workshops provide grieving people with a creative outlet for their grief and are open to all grieving people. No art experience is necessary.

Clay is a wonderful material for expression: it can be pounded, flattened, rolled, opened and formed. We will use drape mold techniques to form simple bowls and vessels to hold our emotions and feelings.

The Elisabeth Severance Prentiss Bereavement Center
Two Thursday evenings, June 19 & 26, 2008, 6:30-8:30 p.m.
Call Carol Dikovitsky at (216)486-6702.

Grief and The Military Experience

2008-05-12T11:22:00.000-04:00

The death of a loved one is a difficult experience for anyone. While grief is a normal, natural and necessary response to a loss, veterans who have witnessed death up close may keep grief inside. The military “big boys don’t cry” attitude, coupled with the survival mode of war, can hamper the grieving process.

Family members mourning a deceased veteran often comment on their stoicism, saying it interfered with relationships. Some veterans never spoke of their military experiences. Whether you are a veteran mourning the death of a loved one or the loved one of a deceased veteran, here are some grief reminders.

Remember that grief is as individual as a fingerprint.
Remind yourself that grief is a process.
Find a friend or fellow veteran who can really listen.
Attend a support group.
Expect to have setbacks.
Don’t measure your progress against the calendar – create your own calendar of grief.
Call a counselor if you have any concerns/questions about your feelings.
Hold on to hope as you transition through your grief.

The Bereavement Center of Hospice offers a variety of services to assist in the grief process, and is open to veterans and family members of veterans.

Together We Can Photos

2008-05-12T11:19:00.001-04:00